storm contained, sunshine boxed, freedom shackled.

i might not have mentioned this in any of my previous posts or other blogs... but a while ago, sometime october 2008, i was subjected to a rather unpleasant experience while i was on a short holiday.

i returned home feeling somewut disconnected to the world... after a few weeks, convinced that i had gotten over the ordeal, i was back to my old self again... and went about my merry way...

this event was only made known to a few of my close friends... and needless to say, all of them promised murder... not like i blame them, but guys, i'd kinda like y'all to be around me, not in prison serving time for murder alright?

anyways....i digress....

things have a way of sneaking up on you... just months down the road, i was play-fighting with puppy, messing around the house when it happened....

something akin to a panic attack... hyperventilating, blanking out, confusion... and i couldnt stop the tears... i couldnt stop the body from shaking...

i remained in that state for a better part of the hour... and for the next few hours after that, i was disoriented and i couldnt bear to be in the presence of any human...

that goes without saying i scared the heck out of puppy and he was at wits end... i'm sorry sweetheart, i didnt mean to scare you...

over the next few days.... the panic attacks came on an off... each lasting shorter than the previous ones... i believe, it was a way for me to let go...

i have it pretty much in check nowadays... although sometimes excessive stress would just simply be a trigger...

just the other day, i came across this term PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder... and i started to look into it....

"After a traumatic experience, environmental cues often become associated with the bad experience and re-exposure to the same environment can trigger fearful emotions or even panic attacks."

perhaps not as serious as how they describe it... but these attacks have caused me enough anxiety already...

oh well, learning to let go is one way... support from good friends as well... perhaps, just perhaps... forgiving is the key too...

someday, i'll completely let go... someday, i'll completely forgive... someday...