storm contained, sunshine boxed, freedom shackled.

Come on, lets go. We can't turn back now.
Just like this, aimlessly is fine.

I don't want a dream that's like I'm dreaming

I only have one wish for the shooting star
Nothing to lose, please give me strength
No matter where it leads to, we'll continue on this path
We can only walk on

We don't need a reason for happiness
Sadness starts from the imagination

We should search again, it's there somewhere

When we unfasten that strand of mixed emotions
The heart is more lonely than we think
Like a fish seeking water
We can't just move miserably on to tomorrow

I only have one wish for the shooting star
Nothing to lose, please give me strength
No matter where it leads to, we'll continue on this path
We can only walk on


saa yukou mou furikaeranai
kono mama ate nado nakute ii

yume miru you na yume wa hoshikunai

nagareyuku hoshi ni kaketa negai wa hitotsu
kareru koto no nai tsuyosa o kudasai
doko made mo tsuzuite yuku kono michi o
arukitsuzukete yuku shika nai

koufuku ni riyuu nanka iranai
kanashimi wa souzou kara hajimaru

mata sagaseba ii doko ka ni aru wa

karamiau kimochi no ito o hodoitara
omou yori kokoro wa kodoku datta
mizu o motomeru sakana mitai ni hakanaku
aorarete ashita ni wa ikanai

nagareyuku hoshi ni kaketa negai wa hitotsu
kareru koto no nai tsuyosa o kudasai
doko made mo tsuzuite yuku kono michi o
arukitsuzukete yuku shika nai

This was from a song called Future from the anime Kiddy Grade. I've always liked the first two lines... being that it came from a haiku... so you could imagine the excitement when i found complete lyrics...

a subtle dull throb
beating in time with your heart
so quiet it is
you will not realize its existence...
doki doki, doki doki...
when its happy
doki doki, doki doki...
when its sad
it resides like a parasite
pulling at your heart strings
like its own personal toy
on its own whims and fancies...
constantly aching
constantly squeezing
it pretends to let go
then tugs you back in, always, always.....
clouding your judgement
veiling your vision
blinding your intuition
fogging your intellect...
brightening the eyes
heightening the senses
sensitizing your skin
lightens the step...
you resist... but in vain
you succumb.... its useless
futile attempts made
only to be rendered defenseless once again...
it makes you breathless
it keeps you smiling
it reduces you to tears
it opens up your soul...
its exhilarating
it hurts
it encompasses
it forgives...
once embraced it becomes steadfast and delicate at the same time
once discarded it becomes fragile and loses its light
once mended it will never become whole again
never ever discard it again, for it will never be mended the second time...
a subtle dull throb
like a diminutive light
it lives within your heart
quietly awaiting serendipity...

When a person suffers from a certain amount of trauma... they shut a part of themselves off from the world...

its probably some sort of defense mechanism created out of necessity by the psyche to protect itself from further harm...

it result into many different forms....

to protect themselves and those who care, some people close that part of the heart away forever, some laugh it off, some hide behind a mask of indifference, some just hide....

but one thing is certain... its a mask... its a mask on top of the many masks... to soothe over the hurt, the shock, the sadness...

we all suffer from trauma, big or small, many times in our short lives... in this age and society, how do we deal?

its not as easy as just going insane anymore is it? its not as easy as just slicing a blade across your wrists anymore is it?

i've never asked if you loved me
but its always yes, yes and yes...
should i ask it of you someday
you'd say, 'baby, why ask when you know the answer? its yes, yes and yes...'

as i was approaching my birthday (which incidentally was on the 7th of this month.. ), i first had to deal with a yo-yo ride...

it started off end august, which was chris's birthday.... was happy for him and all, then it was tailo's birthday, was happy as well.... ok... this was the chronologial order of wut happenned to me since end of august 2010, then you tell me if it was a yo-yo week....

august 2010 - chris's birthday
3rd sept 2010 - merv's birthday
4th sept 2010 - news of the passing of james how on the 3rd sept 2010 (rip)
5th sept 2010 - news of the passing of robert lee on the 4th sept 2010 (rip)
6th sept 2010 - news of bernard's dad having a second heart attack (he's still in critical condition)
7th sept 2010 - i turned 37

lovely isnt it? before i can wrap my head around one death, another hits me in the face... in between all that was a whole lot of stress at work...

i had gone through the passing of many friends' fathers in these two years (chris, merv, penny, anna, my own uncle).... and all awful news that i had been getting is freaking me out on my own dad. *sigh* not a happy thought mind you... but it creeped up on me.... and so i had to deal with it... deal with it i did... i prayed that my dad lived forever, anyone but him... i remembered the guilt of those selfish thoughts...

not enough i had to deal with turning 37 (lolz....) i had to deal with deaths and family crisis (even if i was not personally involved)

on a happier note... i had two birthday cakes this year.... one from hippo tan and another one i shamed my boss into buying... *evil grin*, delicious japanese dinner with bobby, lovely shabu-shabu dinner with hippo, a yummy thai dinner with charmaine *still can't say that name without grinning*, and a wonderful day out with michelle (we had dinner at the loaf and she gave me benetint!)

this year, i got a new dress from mom, benetint from mitch, b'day cake from hippo, a bracelet from bernard, book vouchers from work, skincare from bobby and many many many many warm and lovely birthday wishes from a lot of people....

In the end... i've never gotten around to blogging my Bali trip... *sigh*

As we inch closer to our country's 53rd year of independence... one cant help but think... would this 1Malaysia idea work?

most of us would have wished fervently that i will... some of us would turn our noses up on it and continue on our way....

while the government has been promoting this 1Malaysia ideal positively, wut happens in the real world tells us otherwise...

lets face it... we're racists... whether we want it or not... no, its not one of those outright haters... but sometimes in our everyday life... like when you're driving and you meet this driver that drives in between two roads... you wouldnt go stupid driver... you'd go stupid (insert race denominations please)... right?

lolz... dun deny it.... we've all done it a few times in our lives... consiously or not.... you know, stuff like that...

i wont deny that i'm a racist... lolz... in fact i embrace it... and yet, i have friends in every race denomination... and i love all of them... so wut does that make me?

well, wutever it is... we as malaysian... or humans... will not hope for unrest... we all want peace on earth... right?

so as we approach our 53rd year... i really hope that we put aside our skin colour differences and work slowly but surely together and really make this 1Malaysia ideal a truth... hehehe.... i rather like the idea of that...

or, oh well... just give it a little thought eh? we all stand to gain from it...

yeah, yeah... i'll stop... hehehe...

anyways... happy birthday Malaysia!!

i actually started a new blob... but this time its a picture blog where i dump all my randomly shot photos.... check it out if you like....

http://wutisee.blogspot.com/

its a rather funny combination.... to have valentines day fall on the same day as the first day of chinese new year.... of course, strictly speaking the first day of chinese new year was the first day of spring... which was on the 4th Feb 2010 this year.... lolz...

then again, a few years ago valentines day fell on the same day of the 15th day of chinese new year which was chap goh mei, also a day of love for the chinese community....

but i digress... how does one go about celebrating these two events?

as for me... having given up on valentines day, its easy... lolz... i'd must rather hang out with family and friends for chinese new year... of course, the lure of angpows is much bigger than spending money on a gift... although i've pretty much spent quite a bit for cny... which i do every year anyways...

this year just gives me a more solid excuse for not spending anymore on a gift of love.... ahahaha... although i've already bought the gift... wut a hipocrite.... hehehe.... well, my excuse was to lump both ocassions into one gift... heehee....

then again, retailers will do anything to sell their products.... its interesting.....

so how do you go about joining these two events into one day? spend the day with your partner then dinner with family? or spend the day with family visiting, then a candlelit dinner with your other half? hmm..... how about just bringing her/him home to visit the parents? this will prolly seal the deal....

if you're planning to propose, that makes it easier doesnt it? ask her/him to marry you then proceed to have dinner with the family and then announcing the good news? how cool is that....

anyhow, i look forward to the rest of the year... will the cupid come roaring into the year riding on a tiger or will a handsome angle flutter in with a kitty in his arms.... i'm interested to see...

wut do you think?

on an ending note.... i'll have to make time to blog out my holiday to bali soon....

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times, I won't have to say

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go...

Lyrics to Bali Ha'i - from South Pacific musical

Bloody Mary:
Most people live on a lonely island,
Lost in the middle of a foggy sea.
Most people long for another island,
One where they know they will like to be.

Bali Ha'i may call you,
Any night, any day,
In your heart, you'll hear it call you:
"Come away...Come away."

Bali Ha'i will whisper
In the wind of the sea:
"Here am I, your special island!
Come to me, come to me!"

Your own special hopes,
Your own special dreams,
Bloom on the hillside
And shine in the streams.
If you try, you'll find me
Where the sky meets the sea.
"Here am I your special island
Come to me, Come to me."

Bali Ha'i,
Bali Ha'i,
Bali Ha'i!

Someday you'll see me floatin' in the sunshine,
My head stickin' out from a low fluin' cloud,
You'll hear me call you,
Singin' through the sunshine,
Sweet and clear as can be:
"Come to me, here am I, come to me."
If you try, you'll find me
Where the sky meets the sea.
"Here am I your special island
Come to me, Come to me."

Bali Ha'i,
Bali Ha'i,
Bali Ha'i!


this is how much i'm looking forward to going for my annual holiday.... lolz.....