storm contained, sunshine boxed, freedom shackled.

Red Spider Lily
this is a flower that is cursed.
it is colourful like the blood.
flower blooms no leaf.
leaf appears no flowers.
they can't see each other forever.
all the things have been doomed

sometimes one is too lazy

sometimes one is too inactive

sometimes one is too much of a procrastinator

sometimes one is insensitive

sometimes one is blunt

sometimes one is sarcastic

sometimes one is blur (like sotong?)

sometimes one is unaware

most times they hurt someone

most times one is sorry

hopefully most times one is forgiven.....

Come on, lets go. We can't turn back now.
Just like this, aimlessly is fine.

I don't want a dream that's like I'm dreaming

I only have one wish for the shooting star
Nothing to lose, please give me strength
No matter where it leads to, we'll continue on this path
We can only walk on

We don't need a reason for happiness
Sadness starts from the imagination

We should search again, it's there somewhere

When we unfasten that strand of mixed emotions
The heart is more lonely than we think
Like a fish seeking water
We can't just move miserably on to tomorrow

I only have one wish for the shooting star
Nothing to lose, please give me strength
No matter where it leads to, we'll continue on this path
We can only walk on


saa yukou mou furikaeranai
kono mama ate nado nakute ii

yume miru you na yume wa hoshikunai

nagareyuku hoshi ni kaketa negai wa hitotsu
kareru koto no nai tsuyosa o kudasai
doko made mo tsuzuite yuku kono michi o
arukitsuzukete yuku shika nai

koufuku ni riyuu nanka iranai
kanashimi wa souzou kara hajimaru

mata sagaseba ii doko ka ni aru wa

karamiau kimochi no ito o hodoitara
omou yori kokoro wa kodoku datta
mizu o motomeru sakana mitai ni hakanaku
aorarete ashita ni wa ikanai

nagareyuku hoshi ni kaketa negai wa hitotsu
kareru koto no nai tsuyosa o kudasai
doko made mo tsuzuite yuku kono michi o
arukitsuzukete yuku shika nai

This was from a song called Future from the anime Kiddy Grade. I've always liked the first two lines... being that it came from a haiku... so you could imagine the excitement when i found complete lyrics...

a subtle dull throb
beating in time with your heart
so quiet it is
you will not realize its existence...
doki doki, doki doki...
when its happy
doki doki, doki doki...
when its sad
it resides like a parasite
pulling at your heart strings
like its own personal toy
on its own whims and fancies...
constantly aching
constantly squeezing
it pretends to let go
then tugs you back in, always, always.....
clouding your judgement
veiling your vision
blinding your intuition
fogging your intellect...
brightening the eyes
heightening the senses
sensitizing your skin
lightens the step...
you resist... but in vain
you succumb.... its useless
futile attempts made
only to be rendered defenseless once again...
it makes you breathless
it keeps you smiling
it reduces you to tears
it opens up your soul...
its exhilarating
it hurts
it encompasses
it forgives...
once embraced it becomes steadfast and delicate at the same time
once discarded it becomes fragile and loses its light
once mended it will never become whole again
never ever discard it again, for it will never be mended the second time...
a subtle dull throb
like a diminutive light
it lives within your heart
quietly awaiting serendipity...

When a person suffers from a certain amount of trauma... they shut a part of themselves off from the world...

its probably some sort of defense mechanism created out of necessity by the psyche to protect itself from further harm...

it result into many different forms....

to protect themselves and those who care, some people close that part of the heart away forever, some laugh it off, some hide behind a mask of indifference, some just hide....

but one thing is certain... its a mask... its a mask on top of the many masks... to soothe over the hurt, the shock, the sadness...

we all suffer from trauma, big or small, many times in our short lives... in this age and society, how do we deal?

its not as easy as just going insane anymore is it? its not as easy as just slicing a blade across your wrists anymore is it?

i've never asked if you loved me
but its always yes, yes and yes...
should i ask it of you someday
you'd say, 'baby, why ask when you know the answer? its yes, yes and yes...'

as i was approaching my birthday (which incidentally was on the 7th of this month.. ), i first had to deal with a yo-yo ride...

it started off end august, which was chris's birthday.... was happy for him and all, then it was tailo's birthday, was happy as well.... ok... this was the chronologial order of wut happenned to me since end of august 2010, then you tell me if it was a yo-yo week....

august 2010 - chris's birthday
3rd sept 2010 - merv's birthday
4th sept 2010 - news of the passing of james how on the 3rd sept 2010 (rip)
5th sept 2010 - news of the passing of robert lee on the 4th sept 2010 (rip)
6th sept 2010 - news of bernard's dad having a second heart attack (he's still in critical condition)
7th sept 2010 - i turned 37

lovely isnt it? before i can wrap my head around one death, another hits me in the face... in between all that was a whole lot of stress at work...

i had gone through the passing of many friends' fathers in these two years (chris, merv, penny, anna, my own uncle).... and all awful news that i had been getting is freaking me out on my own dad. *sigh* not a happy thought mind you... but it creeped up on me.... and so i had to deal with it... deal with it i did... i prayed that my dad lived forever, anyone but him... i remembered the guilt of those selfish thoughts...

not enough i had to deal with turning 37 (lolz....) i had to deal with deaths and family crisis (even if i was not personally involved)

on a happier note... i had two birthday cakes this year.... one from hippo tan and another one i shamed my boss into buying... *evil grin*, delicious japanese dinner with bobby, lovely shabu-shabu dinner with hippo, a yummy thai dinner with charmaine *still can't say that name without grinning*, and a wonderful day out with michelle (we had dinner at the loaf and she gave me benetint!)

this year, i got a new dress from mom, benetint from mitch, b'day cake from hippo, a bracelet from bernard, book vouchers from work, skincare from bobby and many many many many warm and lovely birthday wishes from a lot of people....

In the end... i've never gotten around to blogging my Bali trip... *sigh*

As we inch closer to our country's 53rd year of independence... one cant help but think... would this 1Malaysia idea work?

most of us would have wished fervently that i will... some of us would turn our noses up on it and continue on our way....

while the government has been promoting this 1Malaysia ideal positively, wut happens in the real world tells us otherwise...

lets face it... we're racists... whether we want it or not... no, its not one of those outright haters... but sometimes in our everyday life... like when you're driving and you meet this driver that drives in between two roads... you wouldnt go stupid driver... you'd go stupid (insert race denominations please)... right?

lolz... dun deny it.... we've all done it a few times in our lives... consiously or not.... you know, stuff like that...

i wont deny that i'm a racist... lolz... in fact i embrace it... and yet, i have friends in every race denomination... and i love all of them... so wut does that make me?

well, wutever it is... we as malaysian... or humans... will not hope for unrest... we all want peace on earth... right?

so as we approach our 53rd year... i really hope that we put aside our skin colour differences and work slowly but surely together and really make this 1Malaysia ideal a truth... hehehe.... i rather like the idea of that...

or, oh well... just give it a little thought eh? we all stand to gain from it...

yeah, yeah... i'll stop... hehehe...

anyways... happy birthday Malaysia!!

i actually started a new blob... but this time its a picture blog where i dump all my randomly shot photos.... check it out if you like....

http://wutisee.blogspot.com/

its a rather funny combination.... to have valentines day fall on the same day as the first day of chinese new year.... of course, strictly speaking the first day of chinese new year was the first day of spring... which was on the 4th Feb 2010 this year.... lolz...

then again, a few years ago valentines day fell on the same day of the 15th day of chinese new year which was chap goh mei, also a day of love for the chinese community....

but i digress... how does one go about celebrating these two events?

as for me... having given up on valentines day, its easy... lolz... i'd must rather hang out with family and friends for chinese new year... of course, the lure of angpows is much bigger than spending money on a gift... although i've pretty much spent quite a bit for cny... which i do every year anyways...

this year just gives me a more solid excuse for not spending anymore on a gift of love.... ahahaha... although i've already bought the gift... wut a hipocrite.... hehehe.... well, my excuse was to lump both ocassions into one gift... heehee....

then again, retailers will do anything to sell their products.... its interesting.....

so how do you go about joining these two events into one day? spend the day with your partner then dinner with family? or spend the day with family visiting, then a candlelit dinner with your other half? hmm..... how about just bringing her/him home to visit the parents? this will prolly seal the deal....

if you're planning to propose, that makes it easier doesnt it? ask her/him to marry you then proceed to have dinner with the family and then announcing the good news? how cool is that....

anyhow, i look forward to the rest of the year... will the cupid come roaring into the year riding on a tiger or will a handsome angle flutter in with a kitty in his arms.... i'm interested to see...

wut do you think?

on an ending note.... i'll have to make time to blog out my holiday to bali soon....

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times, I won't have to say

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go...

Lyrics to Bali Ha'i - from South Pacific musical

Bloody Mary:
Most people live on a lonely island,
Lost in the middle of a foggy sea.
Most people long for another island,
One where they know they will like to be.

Bali Ha'i may call you,
Any night, any day,
In your heart, you'll hear it call you:
"Come away...Come away."

Bali Ha'i will whisper
In the wind of the sea:
"Here am I, your special island!
Come to me, come to me!"

Your own special hopes,
Your own special dreams,
Bloom on the hillside
And shine in the streams.
If you try, you'll find me
Where the sky meets the sea.
"Here am I your special island
Come to me, Come to me."

Bali Ha'i,
Bali Ha'i,
Bali Ha'i!

Someday you'll see me floatin' in the sunshine,
My head stickin' out from a low fluin' cloud,
You'll hear me call you,
Singin' through the sunshine,
Sweet and clear as can be:
"Come to me, here am I, come to me."
If you try, you'll find me
Where the sky meets the sea.
"Here am I your special island
Come to me, Come to me."

Bali Ha'i,
Bali Ha'i,
Bali Ha'i!


this is how much i'm looking forward to going for my annual holiday.... lolz.....

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

christmas is over....

it came quietly and left quietly.... i had celebrated the birth of Christ mainly in bed.... get your head out of the gutter please, i was alone in bed.... with my trusty laptop... just surfing the net and watching movies out of it... sleeping when i feel sleepy and only getting up to get a drink of water or take a trip to the loo....

christmas for the past few years were always quiet... i chose to it that way...

sounds depressive doesnt it... hehehe.... but in my own little way, i was having fun....

after dinner with good friends on the eve of christmas, i went home and that was it... raven came over after work and he spent the night, only to get up a couple of hours later to go to work... the poor boy, i feel so bad for him to have to work on christmas day... lolz....

and yeah, for the rest of christmas day i was alone....

hehehe.... it was a rare occasion where i have the day purely to myself doing nothing at all.... and i didnt even feel hungry.... talk about dieting....

but i digress....

yup, christmas came quietly and left quietly, just the way i like it.... when i'm feeling anti social, that is.... lolz... but this year, i have good friends back from across the seas so i had wanted to spend a little time with them... but they have families.... so yeah, hehehe....

it was quiet again....

today is boxing day.... i just might dust off the lazy bugs and go out... even if its by myself.... to see wuts happenned to the city in the aftermath of all that partying....

hehehe.....

and i'll take all my new christmas presents out for a spin.... prolly.... gorgeous strappy wedges from jaime, a cute pink tee from alicia and a lomo camera from raven.... plus all the well wishes from all my friends.....

thanks guys.... i love you all.....

now i'm gonna go and think about my new years resolution..... *muacks*

There I've Said It Again

I love you, there's nothing to hide,
It's better than burning inside,
I love you, no use to pretend
There I've said it again

I've said it, what more can I say,
Believe me, there's no other way,
I love you, I will to the end,
There I've said it again.

I try to drum up,
A phrase that will sum up,
All that I feel for you,
But what good are phrases,
The thought that amazes,
Is that you love me,
And it's heavenly.

Forgive me for wanting you so,
But one thing I want you to know,
I've loved you since heaven knows when,
There I've said it again.
I try to drum up,
A phrase that will sum up,
All that I feel for you,
But what good are phrases,
The thought that amazes,
Is that you love me,
And it's heavenly.

Forgive me for wanting you so,
But one thing I want you to know,
I've loved you since heaven knows when,
There I've said it again.

sung by Bobby Vinton...

when its gorgeous super bikes that i walk pass everyday.....



when its buffalo wings served at a mamak stall.... (yummy!)



when we're racists..... (ROFLMAO)



when its cute little sake cups.....



when its gingerbread stacked into a little tree..... (Merry Christmas! everyone..... )



when its pretty and colourful roses from a good friend.....



when its icy cold beer in the middle of a hot afternoon.....




when its a square watermelon.... hehehe....



when its more superbikes....



when we're enjoying our fruits....



when we're bff..... and pissed drunk.... ahahaha.....

Derusan ombak bersilih ke pantai
Disambut alunan nyiur melambai
Rembulan megah di atas mahligai
Tersenyum melihat kita berdua

Angin membawa lagu cinta
Sejuta bintang bermain mata
Seakan rela dua insan
Di dalam senarionya

Antara Anyir dan Jakarta
Kita jatuh cinta
Antara Anyir dan Jakarta
Kisah cinta tiga malam
Kan ku ingat selamanya
Antara Anyir dan Jakarta

Kita seakan mimpi yang buruk
Ku alami setiap hari
Cinta yang sudah tiada lagi
Tinggal memori membawa kembali

“‘Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove.’”

"Stop it."

A deep, quiet chuckle. A kiss brushed across his bare shoulder. The arm around him tightened its hold, pulling him more securely against a strong, nude body.

Skin against skin in a long, clean line – no unbroken moment where flesh did not touch flesh. There, pressed to the small of his back, irrefutable evidence that his partner was fully awake and ready to start the day in the best way he knew how. The other man did not, however, make a move to initiate their favorite morning wake-up ritual. Instead, he simply held him.

Nevertheless, sleep refused to return.

"I said stop it!" he snapped, keeping his eyes closed as if, by the act of doing so, he could continue to cling to sleep.

Another laugh. Masculine. Knowing.

He felt long strands of hair brush his shoulder as his partner leaned over him to brush a kiss against his cheek.

"I'm not doing anything," the other man mumbled, a quiet protest.

"Stop watching me." he growled, keeping his eyes tightly closed and refusing to buy his lover's innocent act.

"Why?" the other man asked reasonably. His hair tickled where it brushed bare skin. "You looked so content."

He grunted and hugged the other man's arm more tightly around him, entwining their fingers.

"Go back to sleep." he ordered gruffly.

"Don't be cruel, Ayan."

"Don't call me that."

"I never get to watch you sleep. Your face is all smooth and happy, no scowls or glares. It's a rare treat."

"Yohji…"

"'I wonder, by my troth, what thou and I did till we loved?'"

"Donne." Aya snorted, opening his eyes for long enough to send his lover a halfhearted glare.

Yohji smiled brightly at him. "You see?" he asked. "I did read those books you got me for Christmas. Even though there aren't any pictures."

A snort.

"Some of them have pictures."

"Fat, naked Europeans. Not interesting. I'm thinking about replacing them with pictures of you. To…inspire me."

"You don't have any pictures of me."

"That you know of."

A grunt. Aya closed his eyes once more in another futile attempt to go back to sleep. Beside him, Yohji propped himself up on an elbow and set to staring.

Aya opened his eyes to glare again, and Yohji smiled once more. He reached out to caress his cheek, and Aya found himself reluctantly admiring the way the man's taunt, golden skin appeared in the early morning light.

"You know," the blonde observed casually, "You keep buying me books of love poems and the guys are going to catch on to our little secret."

"My giving you poetry doesn't mean that I love you. It means I'm trying to educate you."

Yohji leaned over him to capture his lips in a kiss. Playful, light, teasing. Yohji's kisses were always expressions of his personality, explaining him more perfectly than words ever could.

"That," Yohji declared quietly as he pulled away, "Means you love me."

Aya could find no way to argue with that logic.

So he didn't try.

"And where's the proof of your love?" he countered.

"It's five a.m. on a Sunday and I've been watching you sleep for at least an hour and a half."

"That doesn't mean you love me. It means you're creepy." Extracting himself from the blankets, he began to rise from the bed. "Find a better example. Yotan."

The blonde's laughter followed him as he went into the room's connecting bathroom.

A casual glance in the mirror as he passed by on his way to the shower turned his stomach, making his amusement, his happiness, vanish quickly. Skin too pale, eyes too vibrantly purple, hair like blood. He generally avoided his reflection, but sometimes he forgot. Yohji made him see himself as beautiful. Desirable, even.

And being faced so suddenly with the reminder that he was not was like a physical blow.

The mirror had caught him. His reflection's freakish eyes held his gaze so securely that he barely noticed when Yohji entered the bathroom behind him.

The blonde smiled at him, and wrapped his arms around his waist, resting his chin against his shoulder.

"Why do you love me, Yohji?"

"So now you do believe I love you?" the blonde teased, nibbling his neck. "I thought you were going to make me think of a way to prove it."

"No. I believe you love me." Right now, he added silently, certain that one day the blonde would get over his interest in him and find someone beautiful to love. "I still want to know why."

"Why. Hmm…"

"Yohji."

"What? It's a difficult question." Yohji grinned at him, kissed his cheek, and then turned his attention to their reflection in the mirror.

It was such a contrast. Golden Yohji, pale Aya. Mirthful green eyes, solemn purple. A smile, a scowl. Long, curling golden hair, short, choppy crimson.

"Damn, we look good together." Yohji decided. They both kept their eyes locked on the mirror, watching their images as Yohji caressed Aya's face. "We should make a movie."

"Yohji. I'm serious."

"'Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove.'"

"Yohji. Don't."

"Hell, Ayan, I just love you. Do you have to know why?"

"Yes," he insisted. "I do."

Silence a long while.

Then a deep sigh.

"I love the way you fit in my arms – as if you were made for me." Yohji said reluctantly. The blonde preferred action, Aya knew. If he had it his way, they would never talk, never leave the bedroom, never leave the bed. Any expression of love would come soley through their bodies, without a need for words to complicate the message. "I love the way you glare and complain and fight me, even though you secretly really enjoy it when I tease you." his eyes bore into Aya's through the mirror – burned him, seared him, left him breathless and trembling. "I love your determination in all things, your dedication, your strong, stubborn soul."

"Yohji…"

Aya's voice was a whimper, a plead, though he didn't know what he was asking for.

Yohji did not break his gaze. His eyes were serious, his mouth unsmiling, his intensity consuming.

"You know how much I need you, and you let me. You let me need you. I can't keep my hands off you, I can't keep away from you, and even though you act like it annoys you, I know that you'll always allow it because you know me that well." Yohji continued. "You understand me so perfectly…you know things that I've never told you. You just know."

The eyes at last dropped from Aya's and moved to graze his body. For once, there was no lust in that heated stare.

"'My Helice the lodestar of my life.'" he murmured quietly, before placing a final, gentle kiss against Aya's temple and stepping away from him. He returned to the bedroom, leaving Aya alone with his reflection.

Aya stared at himself, missing the presence of Yohji beside him. With Yohji's words still ringing in his ears, he could almost see himself as…if not beautiful, then at least somewhat…decent.

"Stop lookin in the mirror!" Yohji yelled from the bedroom. "You're fucking hot and you know it!"

Despite himself, Aya gave a small laugh.

Turning his back on the mirror, Aya returned to the bedroom, where Yohji was waiting with a bright smile and a welcome hug. Yohji kissed him, and the darkness was quickly and efficiently banished from Aya's mind as the two fell back into bed.

Works Cited:

1. John Donne – The Good-Morrow

2. William Shakespeare – Sonnet 116

3. Edmund Spencer – Sonnet 34

Sonnet 34

Lyke as a ship that through the Ocean wyde,

By conduct of some star doth make her way,

Whenas a storme hath dimd her trusty guyde,

Out of her course doth wander far astray:

So I whose star, that wont with her bright ray

Me to direct, with cloudes is overcast,

Doe wander now in darknesse and dismay,

Through hidden perils round about me plast.

Yet hope I well, that when this storme is past

My Helice the lodestar of my lyfe

Will shine again, and looke on me at last,

With lovely light to cleare my cloudy grief.

Till then I wonder carefull comfortlesse,

In secret sorrow and sad pensivenesse.
A ship on the wide ocean gets off course when a storm hides the star that guides it. I feel the same way when you, the one upon whom I depend so much and have become accustomed to look for direction, are not there to encourage me. I feel lost and have a hard time facing life's problems. Therefore, I hope we can soon clear up the trouble between us, Helice, you are the most important person in my life. I want everything to be happy between us again. I will feel so much better then. Until that time, I will wait anxiously and have no peace of mind; I will grieve and be depressed.

Sometimes I know what I want to say to you if I had the chance. Other times it seems to slip through the chinks of my mind.

I don’t want to remember you anymore. Not when you don’t have to remember me.

I don’t want to feel like you’re missing.

You weren’t supposed to break through the wall I put up. You promised you wouldn’t leave, even though I told you we couldn’t make promises.

Fuck you.

You lied, even if you didn’t mean to.

Your promises didn’t mean anything in the end.

And, God help me…I love you.

She was scared.

Of saying yes.

Of saying no.

Of saying yes then later realizing that she should have said no.

Of saying no then later realizing she should have said yes.