storm contained, sunshine boxed, freedom shackled.

Captain.....

2011-08-16T09:15:00.000+08:00

I read an article on a website introduced by a friend... it touched me that this man, William Ernest Henley had courageously lived his life till the end... I am the captain of my soul... article below...

The finest example of how to be a hero is the man who wrote the words to the poem Invictus, William Ernest Henley.

At the age of 12, Henley had tuberculosis of the bone. His physicians decided that the only way to save his life was to amputate directly below the knee. Despite this trauma, he led an active life, inspiring others with his vision and talent. He lived a full life until the age of 53.

He wrote Invictus from a hospital bed.

You may remember the words:

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeoning of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

If you want to live an exemplary life, you have to choose to be a hero.

While we are all accustomed to the story of the hero, because of all the epics we have been exposed to through history and literature, we seldom reflect that true heroism is facing our own life with unflinching courage.

While we are all accustomed to a portrait of the hero as depicted by Hollywood, we seldom pause to reflect on our own heroism.

You are the master of your fate, the captain of your soul, when you choose to be strong despite overwhelming adversity.

To be a hero, you should remember you’re an immortal soul. You have to remember your real nature–despite everything you have been through, all the heartaches and all the disappointments, all the dreams gone astray, all the calamity that showed up unexpectedly.

To be a hero, you have to refuse to accept a diminished sense of self–despite how bleak everything may appear to be and how everyone may appear to oppose you.

It is not easy to be strong in faith when you’re faced with a situation that appears as bleak as the darkest of nights, a situation where there appears to be no hope for change, no succor, no relief from misery.

You find faith by remembering that you are much more than a temporary physical form. Your essence is spiritual, your home, eternity.

You have to believe in impossible things when everything is working against you and persist despite no apparent chance of success.

When you affirm your personal power despite circumstances that appear formidable, then you mysteriously find a way to move beyond the tears, beyond the heavy feelings, beyond the empty places within.

A hero is someone who is bold and persevering when there is absolutely no reason to act this way.

A hero is someone who has hope despite the menacing turn of events and who discovers integrity despite a dire predicament.

It is possible to choose to be a hero at any time in your life. It is possible to turn things around for yourself simply because you refuse to give in when you have every excuse in the world.

A hero will never fail to flourish. Your life will change when you choose to live it with unflinching faith and courage, when you choose to walk with your head unbowed.

http://saleemrana.com/blog/416/invictus/

Lycoris Radiata Herb（Red Spider Lily

2011-06-22T15:02:00.002+08:00

Red Spider Lily
this is a flower that is cursed.
it is colourful like the blood.
flower blooms no leaf.
leaf appears no flowers.
they can't see each other forever.
all the things have been doomed

sometimes....

2011-03-07T19:50:00.004+08:00

sometimes one is too lazy

sometimes one is too inactive

sometimes one is too much of a procrastinator

sometimes one is insensitive

sometimes one is blunt

sometimes one is sarcastic

sometimes one is blur (like sotong?)

sometimes one is unaware

most times they hurt someone

most times one is sorry

hopefully most times one is forgiven.....

aimless......

2010-12-29T11:38:00.001+08:00

Come on, lets go. We can't turn back now.
Just like this, aimlessly is fine.

I don't want a dream that's like I'm dreaming

I only have one wish for the shooting star
Nothing to lose, please give me strength
No matter where it leads to, we'll continue on this path
We can only walk on

We don't need a reason for happiness
Sadness starts from the imagination

We should search again, it's there somewhere

When we unfasten that strand of mixed emotions
The heart is more lonely than we think
Like a fish seeking water
We can't just move miserably on to tomorrow

I only have one wish for the shooting star
Nothing to lose, please give me strength
No matter where it leads to, we'll continue on this path
We can only walk on

saa yukou mou furikaeranai
kono mama ate nado nakute ii

yume miru you na yume wa hoshikunai

nagareyuku hoshi ni kaketa negai wa hitotsu
kareru koto no nai tsuyosa o kudasai
doko made mo tsuzuite yuku kono michi o
arukitsuzukete yuku shika nai

koufuku ni riyuu nanka iranai
kanashimi wa souzou kara hajimaru

mata sagaseba ii doko ka ni aru wa

karamiau kimochi no ito o hodoitara
omou yori kokoro wa kodoku datta
mizu o motomeru sakana mitai ni hakanaku
aorarete ashita ni wa ikanai

nagareyuku hoshi ni kaketa negai wa hitotsu
kareru koto no nai tsuyosa o kudasai
doko made mo tsuzuite yuku kono michi o
arukitsuzukete yuku shika nai

This was from a song called Future from the anime Kiddy Grade. I've always liked the first two lines... being that it came from a haiku... so you could imagine the excitement when i found complete lyrics...

Exposed....

2010-12-29T11:08:00.001+08:00

a subtle dull throb
beating in time with your heart
so quiet it is
you will not realize its existence...
doki doki, doki doki...
when its happy
doki doki, doki doki...
when its sad
it resides like a parasite
pulling at your heart strings
like its own personal toy
on its own whims and fancies...
constantly aching
constantly squeezing
it pretends to let go
then tugs you back in, always, always.....
clouding your judgement
veiling your vision
blinding your intuition
fogging your intellect...
brightening the eyes
heightening the senses
sensitizing your skin
lightens the step...
you resist... but in vain
you succumb.... its useless
futile attempts made
only to be rendered defenseless once again...
it makes you breathless
it keeps you smiling
it reduces you to tears
it opens up your soul...
its exhilarating
it hurts
it encompasses
it forgives...
once embraced it becomes steadfast and delicate at the same time
once discarded it becomes fragile and loses its light
once mended it will never become whole again
never ever discard it again, for it will never be mended the second time...
a subtle dull throb
like a diminutive light
it lives within your heart
quietly awaiting serendipity...

empty....

2010-12-29T11:06:00.001+08:00

When a person suffers from a certain amount of trauma... they shut a part of themselves off from the world...

its probably some sort of defense mechanism created out of necessity by the psyche to protect itself from further harm...

it result into many different forms....

to protect themselves and those who care, some people close that part of the heart away forever, some laugh it off, some hide behind a mask of indifference, some just hide....

but one thing is certain... its a mask... its a mask on top of the many masks... to soothe over the hurt, the shock, the sadness...

we all suffer from trauma, big or small, many times in our short lives... in this age and society, how do we deal?

its not as easy as just going insane anymore is it? its not as easy as just slicing a blade across your wrists anymore is it?

who loves you....

2010-12-29T11:04:00.001+08:00

i've never asked if you loved me
but its always yes, yes and yes...
should i ask it of you someday
you'd say, 'baby, why ask when you know the answer? its yes, yes and yes...'

happy birthday ya old hag.....

2010-09-12T11:14:00.003+08:00

as i was approaching my birthday (which incidentally was on the 7th of this month.. ), i first had to deal with a yo-yo ride...

it started off end august, which was chris's birthday.... was happy for him and all, then it was tailo's birthday, was happy as well.... ok... this was the chronologial order of wut happenned to me since end of august 2010, then you tell me if it was a yo-yo week....

august 2010 - chris's birthday
3rd sept 2010 - merv's birthday
4th sept 2010 - news of the passing of james how on the 3rd sept 2010 (rip)
5th sept 2010 - news of the passing of robert lee on the 4th sept 2010 (rip)
6th sept 2010 - news of bernard's dad having a second heart attack (he's still in critical condition)
7th sept 2010 - i turned 37

lovely isnt it? before i can wrap my head around one death, another hits me in the face... in between all that was a whole lot of stress at work...

i had gone through the passing of many friends' fathers in these two years (chris, merv, penny, anna, my own uncle).... and all awful news that i had been getting is freaking me out on my own dad. *sigh* not a happy thought mind you... but it creeped up on me.... and so i had to deal with it... deal with it i did... i prayed that my dad lived forever, anyone but him... i remembered the guilt of those selfish thoughts...

not enough i had to deal with turning 37 (lolz....) i had to deal with deaths and family crisis (even if i was not personally involved)

on a happier note... i had two birthday cakes this year.... one from hippo tan and another one i shamed my boss into buying... *evil grin*, delicious japanese dinner with bobby, lovely shabu-shabu dinner with hippo, a yummy thai dinner with charmaine *still can't say that name without grinning*, and a wonderful day out with michelle (we had dinner at the loaf and she gave me benetint!)

this year, i got a new dress from mom, benetint from mitch, b'day cake from hippo, a bracelet from bernard, book vouchers from work, skincare from bobby and many many many many warm and lovely birthday wishes from a lot of people....

so ends my 36th year in this world and begins my 37th....

i made a promise to myself to let my parents to wutever they want more often (but within limits) and try not to upset them too much.... hehehe....

and to love myself a little bit more.... and of course all my friends too....

xoxo people.... *muacks*

happy 53rd birthday malaysia!!

2010-08-30T13:46:00.002+08:00

In the end... i've never gotten around to blogging my Bali trip... *sigh*

As we inch closer to our country's 53rd year of independence... one cant help but think... would this 1Malaysia idea work?

most of us would have wished fervently that i will... some of us would turn our noses up on it and continue on our way....

while the government has been promoting this 1Malaysia ideal positively, wut happens in the real world tells us otherwise...

lets face it... we're racists... whether we want it or not... no, its not one of those outright haters... but sometimes in our everyday life... like when you're driving and you meet this driver that drives in between two roads... you wouldnt go stupid driver... you'd go stupid (insert race denominations please)... right?

lolz... dun deny it.... we've all done it a few times in our lives... consiously or not.... you know, stuff like that...

i wont deny that i'm a racist... lolz... in fact i embrace it... and yet, i have friends in every race denomination... and i love all of them... so wut does that make me?

well, wutever it is... we as malaysian... or humans... will not hope for unrest... we all want peace on earth... right?

so as we approach our 53rd year... i really hope that we put aside our skin colour differences and work slowly but surely together and really make this 1Malaysia ideal a truth... hehehe.... i rather like the idea of that...

or, oh well... just give it a little thought eh? we all stand to gain from it...

yeah, yeah... i'll stop... hehehe...

anyways... happy birthday Malaysia!!

through my eyes.....

2010-06-03T21:30:00.002+08:00

i actually started a new blob... but this time its a picture blog where i dump all my randomly shot photos.... check it out if you like....

http://wutisee.blogspot.com/

the tiger and the cupid...

2010-02-12T22:41:00.003+08:00

its a rather funny combination.... to have valentines day fall on the same day as the first day of chinese new year.... of course, strictly speaking the first day of chinese new year was the first day of spring... which was on the 4th Feb 2010 this year.... lolz...

then again, a few years ago valentines day fell on the same day of the 15th day of chinese new year which was chap goh mei, also a day of love for the chinese community....

but i digress... how does one go about celebrating these two events?

as for me... having given up on valentines day, its easy... lolz... i'd must rather hang out with family and friends for chinese new year... of course, the lure of angpows is much bigger than spending money on a gift... although i've pretty much spent quite a bit for cny... which i do every year anyways...

this year just gives me a more solid excuse for not spending anymore on a gift of love.... ahahaha... although i've already bought the gift... wut a hipocrite.... hehehe.... well, my excuse was to lump both ocassions into one gift... heehee....

then again, retailers will do anything to sell their products.... its interesting.....

so how do you go about joining these two events into one day? spend the day with your partner then dinner with family? or spend the day with family visiting, then a candlelit dinner with your other half? hmm..... how about just bringing her/him home to visit the parents? this will prolly seal the deal....

if you're planning to propose, that makes it easier doesnt it? ask her/him to marry you then proceed to have dinner with the family and then announcing the good news? how cool is that....

anyhow, i look forward to the rest of the year... will the cupid come roaring into the year riding on a tiger or will a handsome angle flutter in with a kitty in his arms.... i'm interested to see...

wut do you think?

on an ending note.... i'll have to make time to blog out my holiday to bali soon....

coz i'm leaving, on a jet plane......

2010-01-29T20:22:00.003+08:00

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times, I won't have to say

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go...

Bali Ha'i~~~~

2010-01-28T12:33:00.002+08:00

Lyrics to Bali Ha'i - from South Pacific musical

Bloody Mary:
Most people live on a lonely island,
Lost in the middle of a foggy sea.
Most people long for another island,
One where they know they will like to be.

Bali Ha'i may call you,
Any night, any day,
In your heart, you'll hear it call you:
"Come away...Come away."

Bali Ha'i will whisper
In the wind of the sea:
"Here am I, your special island!
Come to me, come to me!"

Your own special hopes,
Your own special dreams,
Bloom on the hillside
And shine in the streams.
If you try, you'll find me
Where the sky meets the sea.
"Here am I your special island
Come to me, Come to me."

Bali Ha'i,
Bali Ha'i,
Bali Ha'i!

Someday you'll see me floatin' in the sunshine,
My head stickin' out from a low fluin' cloud,
You'll hear me call you,
Singin' through the sunshine,
Sweet and clear as can be:
"Come to me, here am I, come to me."
If you try, you'll find me
Where the sky meets the sea.
"Here am I your special island
Come to me, Come to me."

Bali Ha'i,
Bali Ha'i,
Bali Ha'i!

this is how much i'm looking forward to going for my annual holiday.... lolz.....

How do I love thee? (Sonnet 43) - Elizabeth Barret Browning

2009-12-26T09:42:00.002+08:00

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

boxing day......

2009-12-26T08:45:00.003+08:00

christmas is over....

it came quietly and left quietly.... i had celebrated the birth of Christ mainly in bed.... get your head out of the gutter please, i was alone in bed.... with my trusty laptop... just surfing the net and watching movies out of it... sleeping when i feel sleepy and only getting up to get a drink of water or take a trip to the loo....

christmas for the past few years were always quiet... i chose to it that way...

sounds depressive doesnt it... hehehe.... but in my own little way, i was having fun....

after dinner with good friends on the eve of christmas, i went home and that was it... raven came over after work and he spent the night, only to get up a couple of hours later to go to work... the poor boy, i feel so bad for him to have to work on christmas day... lolz....

and yeah, for the rest of christmas day i was alone....

hehehe.... it was a rare occasion where i have the day purely to myself doing nothing at all.... and i didnt even feel hungry.... talk about dieting....

but i digress....

yup, christmas came quietly and left quietly, just the way i like it.... when i'm feeling anti social, that is.... lolz... but this year, i have good friends back from across the seas so i had wanted to spend a little time with them... but they have families.... so yeah, hehehe....

it was quiet again....

today is boxing day.... i just might dust off the lazy bugs and go out... even if its by myself.... to see wuts happenned to the city in the aftermath of all that partying....

hehehe.....

and i'll take all my new christmas presents out for a spin.... prolly.... gorgeous strappy wedges from jaime, a cute pink tee from alicia and a lomo camera from raven.... plus all the well wishes from all my friends.....

thanks guys.... i love you all.....

now i'm gonna go and think about my new years resolution..... *muacks*

there, i've said it...

2009-12-25T11:47:00.004+08:00

There I've Said It Again

I love you, there's nothing to hide,
It's better than burning inside,
I love you, no use to pretend
There I've said it again

I've said it, what more can I say,
Believe me, there's no other way,
I love you, I will to the end,
There I've said it again.

I try to drum up,
A phrase that will sum up,
All that I feel for you,
But what good are phrases,
The thought that amazes,
Is that you love me,
And it's heavenly.

Forgive me for wanting you so,
But one thing I want you to know,
I've loved you since heaven knows when,
There I've said it again.
I try to drum up,
A phrase that will sum up,
All that I feel for you,
But what good are phrases,
The thought that amazes,
Is that you love me,
And it's heavenly.

Forgive me for wanting you so,
But one thing I want you to know,
I've loved you since heaven knows when,
There I've said it again.

sung by Bobby Vinton...

when..... v8

2009-12-15T14:46:00.006+08:00

when its gorgeous super bikes that i walk pass everyday.....

when its buffalo wings served at a mamak stall.... (yummy!)

when we're racists..... (ROFLMAO)

when its cute little sake cups.....

when its gingerbread stacked into a little tree..... (Merry Christmas! everyone..... )

when its pretty and colourful roses from a good friend.....

when its icy cold beer in the middle of a hot afternoon.....

when its a square watermelon.... hehehe....

when its more superbikes....

when we're enjoying our fruits....

when we're bff..... and pissed drunk.... ahahaha.....

Antara Anyer dan Jakarta...

2009-10-21T10:35:00.002+08:00

Derusan ombak bersilih ke pantai
Disambut alunan nyiur melambai
Rembulan megah di atas mahligai
Tersenyum melihat kita berdua

Angin membawa lagu cinta
Sejuta bintang bermain mata
Seakan rela dua insan
Di dalam senarionya

Antara Anyir dan Jakarta
Kita jatuh cinta
Antara Anyir dan Jakarta
Kisah cinta tiga malam
Kan ku ingat selamanya
Antara Anyir dan Jakarta

Kita seakan mimpi yang buruk
Ku alami setiap hari
Cinta yang sudah tiada lagi
Tinggal memori membawa kembali

morning rituals.....

2009-10-09T16:43:00.002+08:00

“‘Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove.’”

"Stop it."

A deep, quiet chuckle. A kiss brushed across his bare shoulder. The arm around him tightened its hold, pulling him more securely against a strong, nude body.

Skin against skin in a long, clean line – no unbroken moment where flesh did not touch flesh. There, pressed to the small of his back, irrefutable evidence that his partner was fully awake and ready to start the day in the best way he knew how. The other man did not, however, make a move to initiate their favorite morning wake-up ritual. Instead, he simply held him.

Nevertheless, sleep refused to return.

"I said stop it!" he snapped, keeping his eyes closed as if, by the act of doing so, he could continue to cling to sleep.

Another laugh. Masculine. Knowing.

He felt long strands of hair brush his shoulder as his partner leaned over him to brush a kiss against his cheek.

"I'm not doing anything," the other man mumbled, a quiet protest.

"Stop watching me." he growled, keeping his eyes tightly closed and refusing to buy his lover's innocent act.

"Why?" the other man asked reasonably. His hair tickled where it brushed bare skin. "You looked so content."

He grunted and hugged the other man's arm more tightly around him, entwining their fingers.

"Go back to sleep." he ordered gruffly.

"Don't be cruel, Ayan."

"Don't call me that."

"I never get to watch you sleep. Your face is all smooth and happy, no scowls or glares. It's a rare treat."

"Yohji…"

"'I wonder, by my troth, what thou and I did till we loved?'"

"Donne." Aya snorted, opening his eyes for long enough to send his lover a halfhearted glare.

Yohji smiled brightly at him. "You see?" he asked. "I did read those books you got me for Christmas. Even though there aren't any pictures."

A snort.

"Some of them have pictures."

"Fat, naked Europeans. Not interesting. I'm thinking about replacing them with pictures of you. To…inspire me."

"You don't have any pictures of me."

"That you know of."

A grunt. Aya closed his eyes once more in another futile attempt to go back to sleep. Beside him, Yohji propped himself up on an elbow and set to staring.

Aya opened his eyes to glare again, and Yohji smiled once more. He reached out to caress his cheek, and Aya found himself reluctantly admiring the way the man's taunt, golden skin appeared in the early morning light.

"You know," the blonde observed casually, "You keep buying me books of love poems and the guys are going to catch on to our little secret."

"My giving you poetry doesn't mean that I love you. It means I'm trying to educate you."

Yohji leaned over him to capture his lips in a kiss. Playful, light, teasing. Yohji's kisses were always expressions of his personality, explaining him more perfectly than words ever could.

"That," Yohji declared quietly as he pulled away, "Means you love me."

Aya could find no way to argue with that logic.

So he didn't try.

"And where's the proof of your love?" he countered.

"It's five a.m. on a Sunday and I've been watching you sleep for at least an hour and a half."

"That doesn't mean you love me. It means you're creepy." Extracting himself from the blankets, he began to rise from the bed. "Find a better example. Yotan."

The blonde's laughter followed him as he went into the room's connecting bathroom.

A casual glance in the mirror as he passed by on his way to the shower turned his stomach, making his amusement, his happiness, vanish quickly. Skin too pale, eyes too vibrantly purple, hair like blood. He generally avoided his reflection, but sometimes he forgot. Yohji made him see himself as beautiful. Desirable, even.

And being faced so suddenly with the reminder that he was not was like a physical blow.

The mirror had caught him. His reflection's freakish eyes held his gaze so securely that he barely noticed when Yohji entered the bathroom behind him.

The blonde smiled at him, and wrapped his arms around his waist, resting his chin against his shoulder.

"Why do you love me, Yohji?"

"So now you do believe I love you?" the blonde teased, nibbling his neck. "I thought you were going to make me think of a way to prove it."

"No. I believe you love me." Right now, he added silently, certain that one day the blonde would get over his interest in him and find someone beautiful to love. "I still want to know why."

"Why. Hmm…"

"Yohji."

"What? It's a difficult question." Yohji grinned at him, kissed his cheek, and then turned his attention to their reflection in the mirror.

It was such a contrast. Golden Yohji, pale Aya. Mirthful green eyes, solemn purple. A smile, a scowl. Long, curling golden hair, short, choppy crimson.

"Damn, we look good together." Yohji decided. They both kept their eyes locked on the mirror, watching their images as Yohji caressed Aya's face. "We should make a movie."

"Yohji. I'm serious."

"'Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove.'"

"Yohji. Don't."

"Hell, Ayan, I just love you. Do you have to know why?"

"Yes," he insisted. "I do."

Silence a long while.

Then a deep sigh.

"I love the way you fit in my arms – as if you were made for me." Yohji said reluctantly. The blonde preferred action, Aya knew. If he had it his way, they would never talk, never leave the bedroom, never leave the bed. Any expression of love would come soley through their bodies, without a need for words to complicate the message. "I love the way you glare and complain and fight me, even though you secretly really enjoy it when I tease you." his eyes bore into Aya's through the mirror – burned him, seared him, left him breathless and trembling. "I love your determination in all things, your dedication, your strong, stubborn soul."

"Yohji…"

Aya's voice was a whimper, a plead, though he didn't know what he was asking for.

Yohji did not break his gaze. His eyes were serious, his mouth unsmiling, his intensity consuming.

"You know how much I need you, and you let me. You let me need you. I can't keep my hands off you, I can't keep away from you, and even though you act like it annoys you, I know that you'll always allow it because you know me that well." Yohji continued. "You understand me so perfectly…you know things that I've never told you. You just know."

The eyes at last dropped from Aya's and moved to graze his body. For once, there was no lust in that heated stare.

"'My Helice the lodestar of my life.'" he murmured quietly, before placing a final, gentle kiss against Aya's temple and stepping away from him. He returned to the bedroom, leaving Aya alone with his reflection.

Aya stared at himself, missing the presence of Yohji beside him. With Yohji's words still ringing in his ears, he could almost see himself as…if not beautiful, then at least somewhat…decent.

"Stop lookin in the mirror!" Yohji yelled from the bedroom. "You're fucking hot and you know it!"

Despite himself, Aya gave a small laugh.

Turning his back on the mirror, Aya returned to the bedroom, where Yohji was waiting with a bright smile and a welcome hug. Yohji kissed him, and the darkness was quickly and efficiently banished from Aya's mind as the two fell back into bed.

Works Cited:

1. John Donne – The Good-Morrow

2. William Shakespeare – Sonnet 116

3. Edmund Spencer – Sonnet 34

Sonnet 34

Lyke as a ship that through the Ocean wyde,

By conduct of some star doth make her way,

Whenas a storme hath dimd her trusty guyde,

Out of her course doth wander far astray:

So I whose star, that wont with her bright ray

Me to direct, with cloudes is overcast,

Doe wander now in darknesse and dismay,

Through hidden perils round about me plast.

Yet hope I well, that when this storme is past

My Helice the lodestar of my lyfe

Will shine again, and looke on me at last,

With lovely light to cleare my cloudy grief.

Till then I wonder carefull comfortlesse,

In secret sorrow and sad pensivenesse.
A ship on the wide ocean gets off course when a storm hides the star that guides it. I feel the same way when you, the one upon whom I depend so much and have become accustomed to look for direction, are not there to encourage me. I feel lost and have a hard time facing life's problems. Therefore, I hope we can soon clear up the trouble between us, Helice, you are the most important person in my life. I want everything to be happy between us again. I will feel so much better then. Until that time, I will wait anxiously and have no peace of mind; I will grieve and be depressed.

What i want to say.....

2009-10-08T10:34:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I know what I want to say to you if I had the chance. Other times it seems to slip through the chinks of my mind.

I don’t want to remember you anymore. Not when you don’t have to remember me.

I don’t want to feel like you’re missing.

You weren’t supposed to break through the wall I put up. You promised you wouldn’t leave, even though I told you we couldn’t make promises.

Fuck you.

You lied, even if you didn’t mean to.

Your promises didn’t mean anything in the end.

And, God help me…I love you.

undecided.....

2009-10-06T17:04:00.001+08:00

She was scared.

Of saying yes.

Of saying no.

Of saying yes then later realizing that she should have said no.

Of saying no then later realizing she should have said yes.

wut are soul mates?

2009-08-21T13:38:00.002+08:00

the other day, a friend of mine asked me about my soul mate... i told her honestly that i've not met mine. she said, 'wut about your past relationships? werent they your soul mates?' i told her that even though they were my partners, they were never soul mates... 'then why were you together is they are not your soul mates?' i told her that i cannot label anyone a soulmate if i dun mean it.

which brings me to today's topic. ever thought of how loosely the term soul mate is being used nowadays? i've always thought soul mates are someone who are connected to you emotionally and spiritually. they're always there for you if you need them... that your soul mate is your real other half... soul mates to me are like a legend, a myth... they exist because they do... not because i think they manifest themselves physically for me, not because they agree with me or understand my very core...

terms like soul mate, kindred spirits... they mean a whole lot more to me than just any old relationship... as i was surfing the net looking for answers to my question, i came across this article below, the writer, in my opinion, came closest to what i would define a soulmate... read on folks...

Soul mates have different tasks to fulfill in your life, and likewise theirs. It is not always the case that these relationships will exist on a level where 'physical' interaction is involved and this should not be confused with their initial task toward you. Some Soul Mates are here only to serve as being a link between two other Soul Mates of theirs in the first place. This alone is a very important and significant task, as without that link the reunion of the other souls might not ever happen. We will identify with the different characteristics of those Soul Mates together and you should, therefore, be able to detect some of them who are present in your life at this time.

As you can see, there is no limit to what a true Soul Mate might do in order to provide their support and, on many occasions, it is not fully understood why they do so. You might question my statement and wonder why a Soul Mate will give up his or her own Soul Mate to provide a link for someone else to move on in! I mean is this not the dream we are searching for all of our lives? Well, that's beauty of Soul Mate, that is, unconditional love!

Soul Mates are a universal flow of untapped energy that we can relate to as love and many of us do not understand the meaning of this. It is the same thing we keep avoiding all our life when we don't invest ourselves fully in our relationships anyway! On an unconscious level, Soul Mates tap into that energy of unconditional love.

Regardless of the level of your Soul Mate, it does not mean in any way or form that Soul Mates have to be involved in a physical relationship in order for them to be together. In any of those levels, it is very easy to fall into the trap of taking things for granted. This should be avoided at all costs. Both Soul Mates have to be ready to embark into their journey together, and this is very important for the relationship to succeed.

Here are the three levels of Soul Mates I have come to realize and understand through experiences of my own:

Level One: Your mirrored image – These are a rare example. However, it is possible that they do exist in each of our lives at one point or another. We might have one or two in a lifetime from this category, if we are lucky! What makes them special? Soul Mates of this sort come into our life in a fast, weird and unexpected way. The situations and events in our lives begin to change of their own accord, in order to accommodate the arrival and the reunion of both Souls. In such a case such as this, it is can almost be said that it is 'written in the stars!' Both Souls have to be ready for each other, as I did explain before it is not enough to sustain the relationship at its full potential, only by existing as Soul Mates. This level is the strongest and most powerful type of Soul Mates. They do have many similar interests and share an almost equal interest in their life direction. They will think alike, and in many cases will be able to continue speaking a sentence where the other one has left off. They are a mirror of each other, although they do not have to be exactly the same. However, each one compliments the other with their individual strengths and weaknesses and they will understand each other by being on same 'wavelength'.

Level Two: Your Supporter – Soul Mates of this sort are everywhere around you. Try to take deeper look at the people who surround you. Just look around when you are in dire need of help or guidance in a 'life or death' situation or at a time when you have a heavy burden on your shoulders. Who is around you and ready to listen to you when you really need their assistance? Think of the people who bring you comfort and peace when you need it, or who answer your call when you need some help. These types of Soul Mates do have unconditional love towards each other which can sometimes be difficult to comprehend. Is there someone in your life, of whom, you can relate to being there in that fashion?

Level Three: Your Provider – We encounter these types of Soul Mates in situations that might feel 'weird' or perhaps in some un-expected places. We like to refer to them, sometimes, as being our angels. If they occur, they usually will not stay in our lives for a great length of time. You might come across a Soul Mate of this kind when you are just wondering along the street, thinking away to yourself and from nowhere someone will provide with you a small message that will open up a possible answer to those 'thoughts' you have upon a certain circumstance in your life. These Soul Mates are placed on your path 'out of the blue' and we might never see their face again! We then carry on, feeling blessed at having had them in our life at that necessary moment. Their role is to provide us with an answer or a push toward making a small decision in order to keep us moving in our lives and struggles at that time. Can you relate to such an occurrence in your life?

I asked my guides the question, "will I ever meet my Soul Mates?" They replied, "You keep searching throughout your life for the perfect partner for you, but, have you ever questioned if you are a good example of a Soul Mate for someone else?" In reality, the importance is not in hunting to find the right Soul Mate or partner for you. The importance is in whether you yourself are willing to be the 'right' Soul Mate or partner for someone else! Life is a two way street, but, are you ready to be the right one for someone else?

In the end, we all can be the 'right' Soul Mate for anyone we choose in our life, but only when we are ready to treat our partner as a human being, as a soul and to cherish every moment spent with them. Also it is crucial that we learn to let go of the fact that we do have differences between us and any 'ego' that exists in any relationship. How ready are we? That's the bottom line! The search has to start from within ourselves first".

From my account of how Soul Mates exist in our lives, we can see that they are everywhere around us and we have been blessed since the day we were born! How much real attention do we pay to the people around us? I believe that most of the time we do take these people for granted! Why? One main reason is because we become too self-centered, leading to us disregarding those people around us who provide us with help, who listen to us and generally do sympathize with us in our time of need. After all, it is not only about providing someone with sympathy, but about acknowledging people for who they really are.

I would also like to mention here that any relationship that brings the union of 'Old Souls' is above all and the best time and example of soul mates being together, the reason being, for what they will bring to each other in terms of growth, understanding and appreciation. As a result of their union their wisdom, compassion, value of each other and evolution of consciousness will flourish in a way that would be almost impossible for them to achieve if they were united with another soul that is less highly evolved than what they are themselves. In such a case the older soul will always feel a huge gap or that there is something missing in the relationship in terms of their overall understanding and awareness of each other and it is only because the souls exist on two completely different levels of consciousness. I will not go into too much detail here on the subject of 'Old Souls' as I will have an article next month which focuses primarily on this topic.

At the end Soul Mate is about unconditional love. If you have that and you can provide that to anyone around and especially towards your partner, I believe you find your Soul Mate after all!

Wishing you all to be with your Soul Mates!

- by Joseph Ghabi -

Sugary Sweet.....

2009-08-21T11:01:00.004+08:00

someone send me this in an email this morning... i thought i was really sweet and cute.... i reckon its not only meant for girls... but for everyone who is in love.... well, that it for a spin and see if it applies... enjoy your weekend folks!!

Here are a few reasons why guys like girls:

They will always smell good even if its just shampoo

The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder

How cute they look when they sleep

The ease in which they fit into our arms

The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world

How cute they are when they eat

The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while

Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside

The way they look good no matter what they wear

10.

The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth

11.

How cute they are when they argue

12.

The way her hand always finds yours

13.

The way they smile

14.

The way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight

15.

The way she says 'lets not fight anymore' even though you know that
an hour later....

16.

The way they kiss when you do something nice for them

17.

The way they kiss you when you say 'I love you'

18.

Actually ...
just the way they kiss you...

19.

The way they fall into your arms when they cry

20.

Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly

21.

The way they hit you and expect it to hurt

22.

Then the way they apologize when it does hurt.

(even though we don't admit it)!

23.

The way they say 'I miss you'

24.

The way you miss them

25.

The way their tears
make you want to
change the world
so that it
doesn't hurt her anymore.....
Yet regardless
if you love them,
hate them,
wish they would die
or
know that you would die
without them ...
it matters not.
Because once in your life,
whatever they were to the world
they become everything to you.
When you look them in the eyes,
traveling to
the depths of their souls
and
you say a million things
without trace of a sound,
you know that your own life
is inevitable consumed
within the rhythmic beatings
of her very heart.
We love them for a million reasons,
No paper would do it justice.
It is a thing not of the mind
but of the heart.
A feeling.
Only felt.

mephistopheles.... faust.... goethe.....

2009-08-13T16:36:00.003+08:00

i love this passage... wonder why...

"i'll be your comrade true;
here to your service i will bind me;
beck when you will, i will not pause or rest;
but in return when yonder you will find me,
then likewise shall you be at my behest.'

(Mephistopheles, the devil)

Then Faust's reply:

"the yonder to me is a trifling matter.
'tis from this earth my pleasure springs,
and this sun shines upon my sufferings;
if to the moment i shall ever say:
'ah, linger on, thou art so fair!'
then may you fetters on me lay,
the i will perish, then and there!"

(Faust)

Faust makes an arrangement with the devil: the devil will do anything that Faust wants while he is here on earth, and in exchange, Faust will serve the devil in hell. Faust's arrangement is that during the time that Mephistopheles is serving Faust, Faust is so pleased with anything the devil gives him that he wants to stay in that moment forever, he will die then and there.

i found this passage somewhere.... its parts of a book thats pieced together.... written by Goethe, a exceptional writer.

another translation i encountered....

i pledge myself to serve you here and now;
the slightest hint will put me at your beck and call,
and if beyond we meet again,
you shall do the same for me.

with that beyond, i scarcely bother.
once we smash this world to bits,
the other world may rise for all i care.
from this earth springs all my joys;
its this sun which shines on all my sorrows.
once, i must take my leave of them,
then come what may, it is of no concern.

and another....

Here to your service I will bind me;
Beck when you will, I will not pause or rest;
But in return when yonder you will find me,
Then likewise shall you be at my behest.

The yonder is to me a trifling matter.
Should you this world to ruins shatter,
The other then may rise, its place to fill.
'Tis from this earth my pleasure springs,
And this sun shines upon my sufferings;
When once I separate me from these things,
Let happen then what can and will.

Wonderful man.... lolz.....

2009-08-13T10:06:00.002+08:00

Wonderful man (Inspired by Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou)

Handsome man ponder at my masculine size
i'm not huge or toned to appeal to the judges eyes
but when i begin to tell them
they think i'm telling lies
i say
it's in the heat of my endurence
the sweat on my neck
the direction of my stride
and the strength of my pecks
i'm a man
wonderfully!
wonderful man
thats who i am

i stroll into a room
just as proud as you think
and to a woman
the ladies stand or
just stare and blink
they look at me
like i'm just too crazy
i say
it's in the action of my words
the humour of my jokes
and those unusual habits
that make me a bloke
i'm a man
wonderfully!
wonderful man
thats who i am

others themselves have tried to know
just what they observe in me
they try so hard
but they just get charred
while trying to work out my interior simplicity
when i try to explain to them
they think i'm silly
i say
it's in the scent of my musk
the hair on my chin
my listening ears
the diamonds in my grin
i'm a man
wonderfully!
wonderful man
thats who i am

now you truly realize
why i keep my face low
i don't brag and prance about
with an inflated ego
when i pass by
i'll let you know
i say
it's in the love of my silence
the sincerity of my voice
the planned decision
in my style of choice
because i'm a man
wonderfully!
wonderful man
thats who i am

- Allen Steble -

This bloke sure do have a sense of humour.... ;p

and miles to go before i sleep.....

2009-08-07T15:39:00.003+08:00

Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

- Robert Frost -

My favourite poem...

of cowards and guardian angels....

2009-07-28T09:20:00.006+08:00

cowards....

in a dictionary... its means

–noun

1.	a person who lacks courage in facing danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc.; a timid or easily intimidated person.

–adjective

2.	lacking courage; very fearful or timid.

3.	proceeding from or expressive of fear or timidity: a coward cry.

Origin:
1175–1225; ME < class="ital-inline">couard-, couart cowardly, equiv. to coue tail (< class="ital-inline">cauda) + -art -ard

Synonyms:
1. craven, poltroon, dastard, recreant, milksop.

Word History: A coward is one who "turns tail." The word comes from Old French couart, coart, "coward," and is related to Italian codardo, "coward." Couart is formed from coe, a northern French dialectal variant of cue, "tail" (from Latin cōda), to which the derogatory suffix -ard was added. This suffix appears in bastard, laggard, and sluggard, to name a few. A coward may also be one with his tail between his legs. In heraldry a lion couard, "cowardly lion," was depicted with his tail between his legs. So a coward may be one with his tail hidden between his legs or one who turns tail and runs like a rabbit, with his tail showing.

today, i felt that i got to know wut a true coward is... the inability to face up to confrontations, to brush aside truths that are waving in front of their faces, to pursue the truth to the end while avoiding their own, producing a reason or an excuse for every lie told, who twists facts to their advantage... most of all, a liar...

i was having lunch with a friend today... as usual she was 'telling' me about her boyfriend... (i should make her buy me lunch one day)... they are currently stuck in a situation where she switched from being the gf to the-girl-on-the-side.... i had no idea how that happened... the bugger (i'm ashamed to say, that he is also a friend of mine) is a natural flirt... i guess... things just went off hand... and now, a huge amount of money is involved between the two girls... lawsuits are being treatened... parents are on the verge of being brought into the scene... its a lot of arguing, crying, blaming, denying, threatening on every side...

the bugger claims he loves my friend and that the other woman threatened him with a lawsuit if he doesnt be with her (this was where the money is involved) but he treats the other woman like a lover and shouts and my friend all the time... he refuses to find a way to solve this mess he's brought the two girls into... all the time claiming that he has no way out of this and that he has no choice... even yours truly was not spared... to make a long story short....

girl meets boy, they date, boy flirts with another girl, girl no. 2 falls in love with boy, girl no. 1 has no idea, boy goes into a relationship with girl no.2 not breaking off with girl no.1, girl no. 1 freaks out, girl no. 2 too, boy admits to be in a relationship with girl no.2 but claims to love girl no.1 (the asshole), in the meantime, boy is in trouble and both girls gave him money to stay afloat (this is a lot of money we're talking about), parents of boy does not know about this, so now girl no.2 is official gf while girl no.1 becomes the side-dish, the girls hate each other and are paraniod, boy does nothing about it, concerned friends are blasted for caring, parents of boy still does not know, both girls are miserable, bitter and paraniod, boy still does nothing....

thats basically the story.... bottom line, i can honestly say i've never really labeled anyone in my life a coward seriously... but today... i can honestly say... i've found my first coward...

guardian angels are...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guardian_angel

What Are Guardian Angels?

Guardian Angels are thought to be spiritual beings that are "assigned" to assist people here on Earth in various ways. Whether there is one angel per person, one angel for several person or several angels for one person is open to question. But whether you believe in them or not, or whether you want one or not, believers insist that you do have a guardian angel.

What is their assignment? According to "Encounters of the Angelic Kind" at Future365 (now defunct), "they intercept at many junctures in our lives and help wherever they can to make our lives run smoothly. Sometimes this is by inspiring a thought to spur us into action, at others it is to lend us super-human strength, such as in the case of a woman being able to lift a car long enough to free her trapped child. Or we hear of a runaway truck, with an unconscious driver at the wheel, inexplicably swerving sharply at the last moment to avoid a bus stop queue of people. In fact, there are many instances, which are often put down to luck, coincidence or even a miracle, but which have the touch of a hand of light behind it."

i met mine last year... i didnt even know... everytime i shed a tear... he's there saying, i know... he makes me laugh... till tears overflow... he makes my hurt go away... everytime he gently blows... i promise myself to never run away... he walks forward with me... and until today... he is there still, walking silently... i'm glad i met this wonderful person... not sooner not later... because GOD sent him just for me... and their love for me will never waver...

lolz.... shivers.... i cant believe that just came out of my head... but in all honesty, i'm thankful that someone is there watching over me... my guardian angel is believe is not one... but many... because they appear to me in many forms... i thank GOD for all of them... and i thank all of them for being there for me... but one special person, i must thank...

thank you, for listening to my rants
thank you, for putting up with my selfishness
thank you, for letting me soak your shoulders
thank you, for making me laugh until i cry
thank you, for always being there
thank you....

Phenomenal Woman.....

2009-07-23T16:04:00.002+08:00

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Maya Angelou

conversations.....

2009-06-15T09:30:00.008+08:00

"hey... wake up...."
"mmph....."
(taps shoulder)
"wake up....."
(turns over)
"groans"
(shakes shoulders harder)
"come on.... wake up already.... "
(starts)
"alright, alright... i'm up...."
(kisses)
"good morning hun"
"morning... now hurry up and wash your face... i'm ready to go..."
"ok... i'll be done in a while"

(phone rings)
"yeah?"
"hi hun... i'm done... "
"i'm outside at the moment... but i'll be done in about 5 mins... i'll see you at home?"
" ok! i'll see you at home, i love you"

"pooh! you're stinky..."
"no i'm not!!"
"yes you are! ew!!"
"no i'm not... ok, fine... i'll go take a shower before i go out again later ok?"
"ew... alright...hey, you tired?"
"nah... "
"wanna snooze?"
"hmm..."
"you can rest a bit with your eyes closed..."
"ok, lets snooze then..."
(snuggles)
"hey! i thought we were just gonna snooze..."
"but i dun wanna sleep... can't i just cuddle?"
"sigh... ok ok... but be quiet about it, huh?"
"okies!" "you know wut hun?"
"hmm? wut?"
"i love you"
(nods)
"i love you"
"mm..."

"hey, how was dinner?"
"dinner was fine... everything finished?"
"yup... all done..."
"great... lets go home then..."

"let's continue the show tomorrow huh?"
"yeah, lets... i'm rather tired.... lets sleep"

"hey! last one on the bed has to turn off the lamp lights!"
"nyahaha... too bad... *laughs*"
"cheater!"
"you mean smart winners? ahahaha..."
(lights off)
"hun?"
"hmm?"
"thank you"
"for wut?"
"for making me happy"
"i did?"
"yes, for accepting me into your life... and for letting me love you..."
"mm... you dun need to thank me for all these... "
"hun?"
"yeah?"
"i love you"
"......."
"i love you"
"mm..."
"dun leave me ok?" "dun leave me..."
(sobbing softly)
"ssh....."
"i'm so scared..." "so scared..."
"dun leave me..."
"hey... hey..."
"hmm?"
"why are you thinking of such things?"
"i know it will happen someday... i'm so scared that i will be alone again..."
"dun think of things that have not happened ok?"
"but..."
"i'm here now aren't i?"
"but you'll be gone someday...."
"until then.... i'm here.... alright? wuts the point of thinking of things that has not happened?"
(hugs tighter and trembles)
"sshhh..... sweetheart.... i'm here now ok? and until that day comes.... i'll remain here... alright?"
"ok..."
"*sigh*... either you cry it all out or laugh it out.... i'm about to experience my own personal earthquake and flood here... wut's with all the trembling and crying..."
"hey... thats not funny...."
"then why can i hear a smile?"
"i love you.."
"mm..."
"i love you..."
"mm..."
"i'm sorry for unloading it all on you... i had pushed it all behind my head... but it just came rushing out..."
"its ok... i'm sorry for making you feel this way ok?"
"but its not your fault...."
"neither is it yours.... now do you feel better?
"mmm.... yes....."
"alright, lets go to sleep ok?"
"ok... i love you"
"mm..."

I'm sorry.....

2009-06-12T08:55:00.003+08:00

Most of the time, i think that i've forgotten GOD... sometimes, i think HE's forgotten me... someone said something to me lately... he told me the story of a drowning man...

it goes a little something like this... there was this man drowning in the sea. he prayed to God. "God, please save me". after awhile, as he was still struggling, a boat came along... "you're drowning, let me help you". the man said, "i'm fine. God will save me" and sent the boatman along his way. not long after that, the man drowned and was sent to the gates of heaven. he met God and ask "God, why did you not save me from drowning?". God answered, "i sent you a boat but you refused. why?"

i dun remember the end of the story though...

perhaps i've been expecting HIM to appear to me in person. to teach me, to guide me, to embrace me, to hold my hands, to dry my tears, to hug me... i've forgotten how to read the signs... that HE will always send you signs, obvious or not, however little or much you pray...

perhaps i've dismissed these signs as nothing... or perhaps i took these signs for granted... perhaps HE is too busy helping other people, he has no time for me... perhaps, the real reason was that i've really forgotten about HIM...

the more i look at it... the more obvious it is...

"GOD loves you... that is why he sent me to help you"
"GOD loves you more than me... coz he sent you someone to love"
"GOD loves you... that is why he sent you to help me"

i've never really looked at it from anyother point of view... its always a relationship between me, The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost... it has never occured to me that it involves other people as well...

I've never learnt how to pray properly... i usually just carry on a conversation by myself quietly... hoping that HE knows that i'm praying in my own way... maybe that's why i'm blind to certain things...

there is a Malay saying... 'rezeki jangan ditolak' perhaps, that is also one of the ways GOD is trying to show us that HE is always there for us... that HE will always provide for us... that HE will never let us suffer... that we should sometimes put aside our pride, stubborness and shame to accept help...

In my adamance in keeping my promise to myself to never run away anymore... i've forgotten that HE is always waiting... all i had to do was ask...

well... i could kick myself in the head a few hundred times for not remembering this...

Lord, i'm sorry to have forgotten you are always here for me. Please continue to guide and care for this lost lamb. If the need be, a neat whack on the head will do as well. Thank you, Lord... for showing me the signs... for reminding me that holding on to my pride always blinds me from seeing You. Thank you, Lord... for always being there... Amen.

When inspiration strikes.....

2009-05-29T16:08:00.003+08:00

This morning, i received a long sms from puppy... my phone had died mid-conversation yesterday and i had not bothered to turn it back on after that... when i switched on the phone at work this morning after i plugged it into the charger... this appeared...

The sun goes down leaving shades of gray
The night has taken over from the day
Called you yesterday but the phone was dead
A sense of fear crept into my head
Drove to your place past midnight
Talking to myself, darling please be alright

When I saw Nellie just sitting there
A sense of relief filled the air
Didnt go up to look around
Cause I thought my baby was safe and sound
Went back home to take my nap
Sleepily into my bed I crept

The sun has risen again today
Sayang, I know that you are on your way
Before work starts I just want to say
Sayang, I love you and have a nice day

The sun goes down leaving shades of gray
The night has once again conquered the day
The stars will come out shining bright
Sayang, I love you and I'll be home tonight...

Apparently, the child was worried about me... thinking something happened... lolz... i thought it was really sweet of him... so he drove over in the middle of the night to check on me... although he did not come up to the apartment, when he saw nellie (thats the name of my car) he was relieved...

Adorable isnt he? heehee.....

when... v7

2009-05-27T09:38:00.006+08:00

when its taking each other's picture....

when you can fit into a massive closet..... lolz.....

when its multi-tasking.....

when you're with friends that matter.....

when you see signs like these.....

when its fish spa!!.... heehee, it tickles......

when its delicious pavlova..... yum.....

when everyone is sprawled on the floor watching tv.....

when its ghostly green plants.....

when it old photo effects....

when its a random corner of my bed.... ew... dusty.....

when you dun wish to get out of bed....

when its peacock feathers......

when its dad's 66th birthday....

when its my two babies looking in from outside the house.....

a fateful day....

2009-05-14T14:01:00.004+08:00

its a day after 13th May. forty years ago yesterday.... 13th May 1969.... a day where racial discords ran its deepest and most violent...

i was born 4 years after that... history books never illustrated the incident... neither did my parents and grandparents want to talk about it...

my family were run-on-the-mill kinda people... we were plain, normal folks... but the scars on my late grandfather's body and on my dad's neck were unmistakable... just normal folks who lived near kampung medan then... dad only told me about his scar on his neck once... to save my grandfather who was injured... a parang... and he never mentioned it again to me...

if you're wondering wut happened... read this... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/May_13_Incident

it was as close to a genocide as you can get... where it started off as a political tick and turned into a 4 year national curfew, the resignation of a prime minister, not to mention the deaths of hundreds of malaysians...

until today, there are no clear explanations of that fateful day... and every race has their own point of view... we are all still vary of each other... there is not enough of interaction and understanding between races, religion and cultures... everyone just seem to tolerate each other...

malaysians... i wonder when will we be able to proudly call ourselves a malaysian instead of introducing ourselves as, 'hi, i'm a malaysian chinese' or 'i'm an indian who lives in malaysia'...

i wonder.....

tit for tat? to tat or not to tat...... hmmm....

2009-05-04T14:15:00.002+08:00

When i first thought about getting a tattoo.... i had broached my idea to a couple of friends... just to see wut they think of tats...

since then, i've had another two more done... each time, the pieces gets bigger... lolz...

but everytime someone i know or just met sees them, i get differing reactions... oh yes, there're those who gasps and gushes how nice they look... those who look at me with an eyebrow raised as if i'm insane... those who does a double take, then try subtley to rearrange their faces and give you a nonchalant answer.... oh yes... then there are those who will quote the scripture at me and tell me i'm sinning... etc, etc, etc...

then there are those that sit on the wall... i'd do it but the bible forbids it... *sheesh*

well, yes... i have had people telling me its religiously illegal... lolz.... i came across this article this morning... its a rather interesting read... well, at least it put a smirk on my face for the rest of the day... heehee....

http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2008/julaug/3.16.html

thats the link... but for those who are lazy to go to the site to read it... here it goes....

Q: Should Christians get tattoos? I want one, but my Bible study girlfriends insist Scripture prohibits body art.

A: Christians getting tattoos is a timely and controversial topic. Google this issue, and you'll see opinions varying from "Go for it!" to "You'll go to hell for it." Many Christians have grappled with the tattoo question.

What does the Bible say?

Ink opponents typically ignore the verse that says God "inscribed" a picture of his people on his palms (Isaiah 49:16, NASB; the Amplified Bible says "tattooed"), and instead ominously quote another Old Testament verse: "You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves: I am the Lord" (Leviticus 19:28, ESV). Understanding the context of the Leviticus verse, however, is imperative.

God gave this command to the Israelites around 1444 B.C. (right after the parting of the Red Sea) to forbid them from practicing the idolatrous customs they'd picked up in Egyptian captivity. Their captors had a nasty habit of slashing themselves to express grief and to appease their pantheon of imaginary gods. The Egyptians also tattooed their bodies with symbols of pagan gods. So Jehovah, the only true God, essentially said to the Israelites, I don't want you to practice those silly superstitions anymore. You're my people, and I love you. The heart of God's message isn't about body art, but about reminding the Israelites they belong to him.

Perhaps the gals in your small group didn't consider God's original intent for Leviticus. Because if Christians today adhered to the literal application of every moral and ceremonial rule handed down to the Israelites, no one could eat shrimp or cheeseburgers (Leviticus 11); moms would be "unclean" after childbirth (40 days of separation from society after a boy, twice as long after a girl), so new mothers couldn't go to Beth Moore Bible studies or Curves or book clubs for more than a month (Leviticus 12); menstruating women also would have to separate from friends and family for seven days during that time of month (Leviticus 15); no one could wear clothes woven from both linen and wool (Leviticus 19); and everyone who went out to eat after church could merit a possible stoning (Exodus 31).

The great news of the gospel is that Old Testament law no longer binds Christians. Avoiding tattoo parlors or Red Lobster doesn't make you righteous—Jesus' death and resurrection do! While you need to remember your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 3:16; 2 Corinthians 6:16), you don't have to let other people's sense of religious propriety constrain you.

Maybe you should invite your Bible study friends over for a girl's movie night to watch Madea's Family Reunion, because midway through the film, a hilarious scene perfectly illustrates the danger of taking a Bible verse out of context!

How does this affect me?

Before you get the tattoo, journal through Psalm 139 to remind yourself God thinks you're beautiful with or without embellishments. And remember, the butterfly you get now will likely resemble an amorphous blob when your skin succumbs to the stretches and wrinkles of age.

Most important, consider your motives for getting tattooed. Certainly some people do so to rebel against authority; if that's your reason, remember all things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial (1 Corinthians 10:23). Still, other people get tattoos for positive and deeply spiritual reasons. I recently went on a mission trip with a young man who had the story of the Crucifixion tattooed on his arm. He told me the tattoo was a great catalyst for dialogue with teenagers turned off by conservative church culture.

In the end, don't worry too much about how you decorate your exterior as long as you devote your interior to Christ.

Lisa Harper has a Masters in Theology with an emphasis in biblical studies from Covenant Theological Seminary in St. Louis. She's a sought-after speaker and has written several books, including Holding Out for a Hero: A New Spin on Hebrews (Tyndale) and What the Bible Is All About for Women: A Book of Devotions (Regal). Visit her at www.lisaharper.net.

i personally have nothing against those who dun like or dun want any tattoos on their body... after all, it is their bodies in the first place... lolz.. and i could care less about those who wrinkle their noses at me and sniff haughtily... nor do i want to understand why they think its their duty to inform me that i've strayed off the beaten path... do wut you want... i dun judge you so dun you judge me for my inking actions...

there! nuff said.....

have you gotten your tattoo yet? lolz.....

when... v6

2009-04-17T12:32:00.005+08:00

when the car is full of protective charms....

when its through a glass.....

when its a tree in a bench.....

when its a shady walk.....

when its snowflakes under the sun....

when its famous composers all in a line....

when its ice-kacang on a hot evening...

when its my favourite cat....

when you cant see through the sky....

when its dawn....

when its a very tiny bamboo lala.....

when its a matter of perspective....

when its three good friends in a picture.....

meme-mania......

2009-03-20T11:13:00.002+08:00

Why on earth do people want to do all these memes is really beyond me sometimes.... but since i owe mervin for hijacking his thread this week... i reckon i can complete one... heehee....

by the time you've run through this entire blog, you'd prolly only have one thought on your mind... *boring*.... lolz.....

here goes....

Three Names I go by
1. chinyee
2. ally
3. aby

why aby? i have friends who will refer me by my nick... dun ask why, coz i didnt... heehee... for those who dun know... my nick is abyssinnian...

Three Jobs I have had in my life
1. secretary/pa
2. customer services
3. administrator

i would like to say that i've had more interesting and colorful jobs... but i'm afraid that tooth fairies would sneak up on me at night...

Three Places I have lived
1. Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
2. Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
3. Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

as you can see, i'm a toad that has never left the garden...

Three TV chanels that I watch (at the moment)
1. NTV7
2. TV2
3. TV3

so sue me... i dun own astro like the rest of the population, considering i probably watch an accummulation of 2 hours of tv a week....

Three (FAVOURITE) places I have been
1. Japan
2. Australia
3. Mom's home

hey! there was no specification that it had to be out of the country... and besides, mom's pantry is always full of food... hehehe

People that e-mail me regularly
1. King
2. King
3. King

cant help it... everyone else just texts me via cell phone, even my mother....

Three of my favorite foods
1. Japanese
2. Chinese
3. Indian

japanese, for very obvious reasons (*winks*)... as for the last option.... hmmm..... prolly its because its the first type of food other than chinese that i ever encountered as a kid was curry.... heehee.... hey, i was an impressionable child....

Three things I would like to do
1. take three months off and backpack as far as i can
2. get tons fitter
3. settle my financial rut this year (wishful thinking)

dun even get me started...

Three friends I think will respond
1. ??
2. ??
3. ??

dun. think. so.....

Things I am looking forward to
1. my brother getting married (i hope)
2. hanging out with my friends
3. reading more books (must get my lazy ass moving)

i give up.....

so this is it folks.... i'd put in wittier and cheekier remarks... but wut the heck.... deal with it.... *insert maniacal laugh*

when... v5

2009-03-12T09:43:00.004+08:00

when it used to be the tallest building in the world....

when it flowers in your tea.....

when its abalone!!

when its a quiet street....

when its the place for lazy hazy sunday breakfasts....

when you're clamouring for the sunlight....

when its random.....

when its delicious desserts....

when its all about tails.....

when its the book you're dying to read....

ever had?

2009-03-04T13:59:00.004+08:00

Ever had anyone tell you that you're precious?

Ever had anyone tell you that you're important?

Ever had anyone tell you that they'll gladly die for you?

Ever had anyone willing to sacrifice for you?

Ever had anyone make you laugh until you cry?

Ever had anyone made you cry until you laughed?

Ever had anyone accept you for whatever that you are, flaws, imperfections and all?

Ever had anyone put you on a pedestal so high?

Ever had anyone place everything else second to you?

Ever had anyone tell you that they love you ten times a day?

Ever had anyone tell you that you're perfect and flawless?

Ever had anyone tell you that you matter?

i miss nellie....

2009-02-20T16:18:00.004+08:00

A couple of weeks ago, i caused an accident... yup, in my entire decade and a half of driving, only other people cause accidents... yours truly steered clear with the occasional nick and bump by other drivers...

it was a case of tersilap tekan... in my own dumb carelessness, i looked away from the road for a second and my right foot slipped... from the brakes to the accelerator... *sigh*

radiator, head lights, bonnet, car frame, front bumper (not to mention the stuff i couldnt see behind the radiator)... and the other car only sustained a loose rear bumper...

that goes without saying, my nellie is rendered immovable (is there such a word?)....

oh well...

like i dun feel stupid enough having committed such carelessness... the other party was concerned about me...

that sweet lady, she was concerned that i had no transport and that i would be summoned... well, now it felt bad... i felt bad... very bad...

anyways... after all thats said and done (police reports, tow trucks, dealing with adjusters, insurance agents and my mother)... i must have gone through denial, anger, self-pity and guilt (not remembering in which order)... mrs. lee (thats the sweet lady) has her car back and she's happy about it... and nellie will be back in my hands soon...

i reckon i've learnt my lesson... rather expensive one too, if i might add... and i've come to appreciate humanity just a little more, thanks to mrs. lee... and if i dun treasure nellie enough previously, i definitely do now...

now, if you'll excuse me... its a friday and i'm off to have a good time... heehee....

enjoy the weekend folks.... *poof*

when it sneaks up quietly.....

2009-02-19T15:20:00.003+08:00

i might not have mentioned this in any of my previous posts or other blogs... but a while ago, sometime october 2008, i was subjected to a rather unpleasant experience while i was on a short holiday.

i returned home feeling somewut disconnected to the world... after a few weeks, convinced that i had gotten over the ordeal, i was back to my old self again... and went about my merry way...

this event was only made known to a few of my close friends... and needless to say, all of them promised murder... not like i blame them, but guys, i'd kinda like y'all to be around me, not in prison serving time for murder alright?

anyways....i digress....

things have a way of sneaking up on you... just months down the road, i was play-fighting with puppy, messing around the house when it happened....

something akin to a panic attack... hyperventilating, blanking out, confusion... and i couldnt stop the tears... i couldnt stop the body from shaking...

i remained in that state for a better part of the hour... and for the next few hours after that, i was disoriented and i couldnt bear to be in the presence of any human...

that goes without saying i scared the heck out of puppy and he was at wits end... i'm sorry sweetheart, i didnt mean to scare you...

over the next few days.... the panic attacks came on an off... each lasting shorter than the previous ones... i believe, it was a way for me to let go...

i have it pretty much in check nowadays... although sometimes excessive stress would just simply be a trigger...

just the other day, i came across this term PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder... and i started to look into it....

"After a traumatic experience, environmental cues often become associated with the bad experience and re-exposure to the same environment can trigger fearful emotions or even panic attacks."

perhaps not as serious as how they describe it... but these attacks have caused me enough anxiety already...

oh well, learning to let go is one way... support from good friends as well... perhaps, just perhaps... forgiving is the key too...

someday, i'll completely let go... someday, i'll completely forgive... someday...

today...

2009-02-17T13:07:00.006+08:00

today,

i am blind... to wut i do not want to see...

i am deaf... to wut i do not want to hear...

i am mute... to wut i do not want to say...

i am racist... only when i'm behind the wheel...

i am broken... a long time ago...

i am clueless... to happenings around me...

i am bored... when i'm not motivated...

i am hungry... for information...

today,

i am happy... just because...

i am thankful... because i'm happy...

i am racist... isnt everyone?

i am hopeful... because i can dream...

i am positive... well, at least i try to be...

i am in black... because thats my fav color...

today,

i will open my eyes...

i will perk my ears...

i will voice my thoughts...

i will heal old wounds...

i will dream again...

i will still remain a racist....

i will get lost in my own rant...

today,

apparently, i'm still lost in my own rant....

After all the fuss......

2009-02-16T09:08:00.004+08:00

It was to be a combination of excitement, playfulness and exhaustion. One the morning of Valentine's Day, i was asked to puppy-sit for a buddy. He had to send his car to be serviced and the wife didnt have time to look after the pooch coz she had a part-time cleaner coming over as well..... talk about busy people....

so the story goes that i was left with the pup.... a rather adorable pug named hamchoy (cantonese for pickled veggies) how he was named after that, will be another story for another day....*grins*

as i was saying, i was left with the pup. and i had a breakfast date with tailo. and the pup was not trained to properly behave in public. *sigh*

so pup and i hopped into tailo's car and off we went to a puppy friendly place to makan. fortunately, the pup is not car-sick. unfortunately, i was wearing a short skirt (not thinking... stupid me) and the pooch just had his nails trimmed. two words. painful scratches.

we met up with jr. at the coffee shop. pup took an instant liking to jr. and rest was history. kidding.

we all trooped back to my apartment where tailo was finishing up some wind-water readings for me while jr. and pup played.

after they left, i was left alone with the animal. we played for hours. i was tired out by the second hour... but i managed to teach him how to play fetch... heehee *shows victory fingers*

by mid-noon..... another puppy appeared..... of the two legged kind. lolz.....

i left both the puppies to play and went for a nap. puppy no. 2 woke me up mid nap for a surprise....

that was the surprise.... truth to be told, i was kinda expecting this.... to be precise, i was expecting flowers and a trinket.... but i never expected something that expensive....

that goes without saying... i'm touched... very...

oh well, after many years of quiet valentines to myself... or rather ignoring its existence... its touching... i forgot wuts it like to receive gifts during this overly commercialized universal day of love... lolz... so it was nice.

while i watched, the puppies played somemore.... until the little one decided its had enough and wanted a pee, a poop and a nap....

so the pooch napped while we cleaned up its droppings..... *sigh*

puppy 2 and i retreated to the bedroom for a nap... playing with a dog for the whole afternoon could be very tiring....

imagine playing with two.....

*nuff said*

ahahahaha........

after all that.... i must say that i had a rather nice v-day..... with friends and animals and gifts and naps... although, i'm still boggled by the whole overly commercialized part... the mass proposals and the mass weddings... *shivers*

but! in keeping with tradition of love and all that goes with it, its a day to celebrate love, to be in love, to love another and to be loved. this applies to everybody, family, friends and other halfs....

so, happy valentines day! or a belated one.... love y'all people!!!

when.... v4

2009-02-04T17:39:00.009+08:00

when the birds are back again to lay eggs..

when its windchimes galore.... (and counting...)

when its anime like clouds..... (slightly over exposed)

when its mandarin oranges after the rolling of them.... (heehee.....)

when its the grandpa i see only once a year.....

when its the sisters-in-laws all together.....

when its momiji.....

when i'm drying soft toys indoors.....

when its chinese new year goodies!!

when its my favourite kinda 'cheecheongfun'.....

when i'm 'fengshui'-ing the office....

when its pj's and doggies.....

when its puppet nudity......

when i can fake a moon during sunrise.....

when its woonhamchoy being cute......

when its one of the handsomest cats i know.....

bored

2009-01-28T15:25:00.002+08:00

when you're bored and dun feel like working... but there's nothing else to do anyways.... not like you wanna do it....

i'm bored!!!!!

tired.....

2009-01-23T11:29:00.003+08:00

how do you know when you're exhausted.....

when you feel listless.... when you feel antsy.... when you feel edgy.... when you're lashing out at innocent bystanders.... when you feel claustrophobic.... when you feel uninspired.... when you feel bored.... when you want to disappear into nothingness.... when you want to shut the whole world out.... when you feel frustrated with the world.... when you feel really really small.... when you feel unloved.... when you feel out of control.... when you feel worthless....

its a fine line between exhaustion and depression......

of inaugural address and moral compasses....

2009-01-21T15:46:00.008+08:00

it was to be a day of moral compasses and inaugural speeches.....

yours truly was late... for the umpteenth time... *sigh* different routes, different times.... its all makes no difference... its like its a global conspiracy against me to make me tardy for everything! *sigh*.... anyways.... its alright, i'll just have to get over that and go on with everything else.... ehe...

ah... we're going off tangent.... and right off the bat too!!

i rushed into the office today to quickly turn on the pc and see if i'm able to catch whatever remains of the inauguration of barrack obama.... president obama to you and me, mind you... lolz....

luckily enough, i was able to stream (dun tell my boss, he'll have my head for this... heehee...) the highlights of the whole event, well, plus minus some of them.... but wut i wanted was the inaugural address.... which i got, in action and in script.... boy was i impressed....

the delivery of the address, the crowd, the celebrations... *sigh* see for yourself....

so wut do you think? rather inspiring isnt it? it was the same when i heard his election address.... i was like, *fuh* this man can talk.... which makes you wonder why the leaders of our bolehland here cant be as articulate as that? lolz... but thats asking of too much isnt it? heehee....

then, there's this question about moral compass.... wut in the world is it? apparently it sorta looks like this:

I found this somewhere on the net - Have we lost our moral compass?

It would appear so. After all God- the originator of the moral compass- has been pushed out of practically every part of public life including our schools.

God told us long ago- Where there is no revelation the people cast off restraint. - Proverbs 29:18

For those of us who believe in this revelation the loss of our moral compass does present a crisis, but a crisis according to the way the Chinese define it contains equal parts danger and opportunity.

I like that viewpoint. We already see the danger, now how about seizing the opportunities?

Light shines brightest in darkness. Are we letting our light illuminate the way back to a moral center? Are we dashing out into the highways and the byways to assist those injured there? Are we becoming a beacon of grace in this graceless culture?

Our moral compass is not lost. Many have just lost their way to it. We should be urgent in our efforts to help them rediscover it.

This is an interesting article...

Regaining our moral compass
By Lily Galili

It is hard to remember when exactly moral discourse vanished from our public arena. It happened sometime during the second intifada, as even Israel's left replaced morality with a value system of pragmatic justifications. It is no longer about what is permitted and what is forbidden, even in the context of a bloody conflict. It is about which actions are worthwhile and feasible. Morality became something for nerds, a label the left is afraid of.

The deal Israel's left made was also splendidly pragmatic: It would market the two-state solution to the public and in return make "the other" disappear. Thus the limits of morality were replaced by the limits of power, and universal values were exchanged for the winning argument: "It's good for the Jews." The ultra-scrupulous, who have felt a certain discomfort about having the moral lobe excised from their brains, squirm and say: "It's not that I love Arabs all of a sudden, but ..." Such thinking is on par with the annoying cliche: "It isn't that the Arabs have suddenly become lovers of Zion."

This distorted situation has been perpetuated to the extent that it has become impossible to remember that there used to be a different reality. This is what things look like today: Yisrael Beiteinu MK Avigdor Lieberman is proposing to move Israel's Arab citizens to another country. The counterargument: This isn't practical. The siege on Gaza is starving its inhabitants. The counterargument: They're just going to launch more Qassams. Jews are launching pogroms against Arabs in Hebron. Not a good idea at all - it'll just prompt reprisal actions.

The list is long and astounding. And if revoking citizenship were practical, and if Arabs were to swear on the Koran not to respond to the siege and the pogrom, would it be morally right to carry out all those actions?

Assuming that the answer is no, no one is going to say so aloud. It is hard to find anyone in the public arena, and certainly the political arena, to sound a moral voice and propose clear norms of good and evil. To use a technological metaphor - the moral compass has been replaced by a practical GPS. And for those who prefer metaphors from a different conceptual realm: It has been a long time since the prophets disappeared from our lives - the prophets of wrath and even the false prophets. Today no one even has the pretensions of prophesizing. This is, after all, the role of intellectuals in the modern world - to discern the boundaries between good and evil, between what is permitted and what is forbidden. In short, to be prophets. However, if we return to Ahad Ha'am's distinction between a priest, who serves the people and gives them what they need, and a prophet, who chastises and rebukes, our intellectuals serve as translators into the language of the possible and the worthwhile - a reality that we understand in any case. What a waste of their talents.

It should be noted that we have an abundance of priests. We don't need Amos Oz to declare resoundingly that the Labor party's historic role has come to an end - for that we have pollster Mina Zemach. But this, too, has already become tradition. Oz, sometimes by joining an impressive duet with A.B. Yehoshua, has proposed several unity governments over the years and has established and dismantled coalitions using advice whispered into the ears of pet politicians. It is not clear who bestowed this role on the two novelists, a role usually reserved for political bigwigs. Yet it is perfectly clear that they have betrayed their role as trailblazers and identifiers of morality and justice. In the choice between priest and prophet, they chose to be priests.

There is no one who will preach morality to us on behalf of the Palestinians, Israel's Arabs, the handicapped, the poor and all the "others." The latest report by the Association for Civil Rights in Israel shows crystal clear that we have already exacerbated all the damage we can do to them. The drama is turning into a real social and political tragedy, as the prophets are slowly being replaced by the messiahs. As a result of this process, a large public is finding itself trapped between priest and messiah, a deadly combination in an environment lacking clear moral criteria.

Obviously it is difficult to talk about morality in a reality of corrupt governments and a distorted division of the world into the axis of evil and the rest. But now, precisely now, a window of opportunity for correction has opened. Barack Obama's election as U.S. president has immediately changed the atmosphere, and the global economic crisis is restoring some moral consideration to economic discourse. Israel's government is about to be replaced and a new leftist party wants to take over the leadership of "the camp." Such a move must be accompanied by a semantic change and a revised consciousness - including, for example, explicitly saying that some things aren't done, not because they don't bring any gain, but because they are immoral. To use such language does not turn the speaker into a "sucker" - it transforms him or her into a human being. The left has done its share in the transformation of morality into an expression of weakness; now it has a chance to restore morality to its natural place as an important element in the nation's strength.

However, right now, it doesn't seem like this is going to happen. On arid earth where there is no morality, no new left will grow.

something to think about folks....

anticipating chinese new year.....

2009-01-20T16:02:00.007+08:00

you know, every chinese new year always comes with this feeling of excitement.... no, seriously.... no matter how old you get or jaded and cynical you claim to be.... you cant help but feel if even just a teeny weeny bit of it.....

aw, come on..... no? really? oh puhleese.... think about it really hard...

beneath all the complaints of excessive money spending... after all that once a year spring cleaning... in the midst of all that baking... listening to all that nagging from your mother? none?

oh well.... i love cny.... all that nagging, all the shopping, all the making plans with friends to visit, all the spring cleaning...

its that once a year mandarin oranges, my auntie connie's pineapple tarts, red outfits (all the way into the undies), the overkill decorations, the reunion dinner, the outlawed fireworks that scares the bejeezus out of me when i'm asleep, the lion dances, the ang-paus, the fengshui predictions for the year, the yee-sang, the loud broadcasting of cny songs, the receiving of the god of fortune, the last minute hair salon visits.... most of all, the long awaited long holiday that most of us get....

every year, i'll complain about it.... every year i end up joining in the fun and festives and having a blast....

in year 2008, i had not celebrated... i thought that work was more important.... i ended up working through cny.... which apparently, set the pattern for the entire year.... lolz...

this year though... i'm in this full swing... i bought my cny new clothes (albeit, most of them were black), i'm spring cleaning the apartment, i bought new plants and curtains for myself, i helped mom out with her usual long list of cny errands and i'm preparing the fengshui stuff that tailo instructed me to do (its a long list of plant, box, coins, paper, oranges, horse.... dun ask, just do...)....

yes, yes.... spent a lot of money when i dun have any to spend.... but i've decided not to think too much into it.... and have fun.... and the best of all, this year, other than the family whom i love to bits (mitch, this includes you as well.... *muacks*) those i hold dear in my heart, they are all around... tailo, chris, tracy, alicia, jaime, alfie, raven... etc.... heehee....

i'm so gonna have a blast this year..... Gong Xi Fa Cai!!!

for more on CNY - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_New_Year

when..... v3

2009-01-19T15:57:00.007+08:00

when i figure out how to use the features in a digi-cam.....

when the whole family is together.....

when its cunningly made crafts....

when we're all leaning to one side.... (why ah?)

when its blurry iced strawberry....

when its yee sang time!!!

when you cant tell if its a rat, bear or pig....

when its antique wine goblets....

when its yam seng time!!!

when my nephew reyes pulls funny stunts and poses.....

when its that close to chinese new year...... (i love chinese paper cuttings)

when its sunrise.....

when its sunset.....

when the moon glows on high....

when it looks like an eating contest.....

when chris succumbs to wearing my reading glasses.... lolz....

when passing by heritage spots.....

when its yummy fried laksa.... trust me, its good.....

when stairways like this always looks promising....

when you're tired and haggard and with good friends.....

hurt...

2009-01-16T16:58:00.007+08:00

its cloudy outside the window
the music is hushed
my heart begins thinking of you...

on every grey day, i would always hope that you will be at my side i wonder what you're doing now....

the lights are dimmed the music is hushed the cotton candy in the mouth has melted...

its cloudy outside the window
the soul is spiritless
my heart begins thinking of you...
i miss you so much.....

the phone rang
hello? its you!
you wanted to talk
i thought your heart is missing me
why do you sound so cold?
you've changed, you've changed...

hello? hello?

the lights are extinguished
the music is stilled
falling tears cannot be held back...
the sky is raining
the soul is sad
i am hurt inside

do you still remember? we used to love to sit by the window on grey days and speak of nothing... when its starts to rain, it feels like we're sheltered from this world... can we reprise those days again? suddenly, i wanted to call you...

the phone rang
please answer the phone....
you wanted to talk
i really just wanted to hear your voice...
i thought your heart is missing me
why do you sound so cold?
you've changed, you've changed...
please don't treat me this way...

the lights are extinguished
the music is stilled
falling tears cannot be held back...

is it really the sky raining or is it raining in my heart...

the sky is raining
the soul is sad
i am hurt inside

i am hurt inside

do you really know how does it feel to be hurt? without you at my side, the world feels grey... when will i ever get better....

shadows and light.....

2009-01-14T10:44:00.004+08:00

red curtains to block out the light.....

doorway into doorway into doorway.....

lovely reflection....

perfect for voyeurs....

a small window of light.... where does it take us?

secrecy at its best....

connections to the other world.....

chains that lead nowhere.....

ugly feet.....

kitty's favourite sunning spot......

grief....

2009-01-08T12:46:00.005+08:00

Its been a month and three days.... but for me it was just a week ago....

On the first of January two thousand nine.... at around ten thirty pm.... i was hailed on msn by my old friend Karen. She had bad news to tell me.... i felt the fear descending over my body....

the fear that i had held afar ever since seventh of december two thousand eight... when i saw the body of that dead child who had fallen block 3A....

just as i thought, me fears have come to light.... my heart stopped and broke....

'i have bad news to tell you.' she says...

'my daughter is dead.' she says...

'i'm sorry i didnt let you know sooner. i was to distraught and sick.' she says...

a gasp... a tear... a sob... then disbelief...

then shoulder heaving, heartrending sobs tore their way out of my soul.... my heart broke on its way....

she was dead... jocelyn teh... this adorable 10 year old that i saw from conception, to pregnancy to birth, to growth... one of the prettiest little girls i know... gentlest of souls too... also one of the most damaged of souls... i had adored this child with soft and vibrant eyes...

she was mentally tortured by her father... so much so that she hated to go visit him... so much so that her step-father who loved her like his own, send her to a doctor to have her psyche evaluated... so much so that she attempted suicide a few times...

now she is at peace. now she sleeps on. no ugly images of knives and graves and blood will rent her mother's heart. now she is safe.

darling child... adored by everyone.... i can only offer this to you.... know that you're grieved... know that you're never forgotten... know that you're always loved...

rising from the ashes.....

2009-01-05T23:23:00.007+08:00

So often,
We believe that we have come to a place
That is void of hope and void of possibilities,
Only to find that it is the very hopelessness
That allows us to hit bottom,
Give up our illusion of control,
Turn it over, and ask for help.
Out of the ashes of our hopelessness
Comes the fire of our hope.

author~Anne Wilson Shaef

The story of the Phoenix is as old as time. The tale of a bird burning itself every 500 years in order to renew its immortality has been passed through all major civilizations since the ancients Greeks. Sensing old age and lackluster, the mystical bird collects kindling and fans its own fire while nesting upon the flames. From the ashes of the old Phoenix, a young and beautiful Phoenix is reborn. By overcoming fire, death, and old age, the Phoenix represents triumph over adversity and rebirth into glory, thereby providing hope and constancy ~

Out of my ashes

Will rise a new phoenix.

A soaring being
Returning from death
Proving once again
That life is eternal.

I live forever
Because the spirit
Never dies.

I will return
In another body
In another time,
But it is me.

The me who is me now
Will always be.

As long as I live,
I learn.
And I live
F o r e v e r

" Phoenix Bird tells us that whenever you shoot yourself again onto a right path, after the spiral of the failures, you will find the victorious strength in your wings that the ordinary bird, sleeping in it's nest, will never ever be able to even imagine."

author~ Priyanka Teredesai

call it whatever - phoenix, garuda, firebird, feng huang, ho-ou, bennu, angha, ardana, averlerion...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoenix_(mythology)

when.... v2

2008-12-31T00:46:00.013+08:00

when thunderstorm clouds hang so low, you could almost touch them....

when you're faced with delicious sugee cake and a most adorable face.....

when its quiet and serene....

when its berries and chocolate pavlova..... (yum!!)

when its cool to recycle....

when i'm trying to be artistic..... (and failing miserably)

when i'm cat-sitting....

when.......

2008-12-26T09:12:00.018+08:00

when i'm sleepless.....

when i'm reading....

when i'm chilling out after a haircut.... coffee at plaza damas....

when i'm escaping... its chocolate with chilli powder and belgian chocolate waffles....

when its a thunderstorm out....

when its bright and sunny out...

when there's a split in the sky...

when i'm hanging out with friends....

when its christmas time....

when its so humid out.....

when big-ass fat black molly are eyeing you.... *freaks out*

Shadows...

2008-12-10T12:31:00.002+08:00

Recently, i've been taking pictures from my cellphone... thats because my camera has been sent to have a few parts replaced... lolz... i discovered that i like taking pictures in black and white tones... and i like shadow and light play... mm... well sorta like the picture attached... Lolz... which leads off to the question of the day... shadow or light? which one? why?

i give up....

2008-12-04T16:15:00.001+08:00

that's it.... i give up.... i succumb (is that how you spell it?) you all win!!! (waves white flag violently) *pants* so much for peer pressure.... lolz....

i finally got a blogspot account.... *sigh* (kicks myself for no willpower wutsoever)

i have been blogging sporadically over the past two years.... mostly rantings and ravings.... you can actually find it over here : http://abysinnian.spaces.live.com

anyways.... to commemorate the beginnings of this hopefully long living blog, i hereby christen you abyssinnian.... (breaks bottle on pc... lolz....)

and of course to post up a little nonsense..... just give me a minute.... i need to load this from the thumb drive.....

i have permission from crimson raven to have this posted here.... its something he wrote.... and i found it really entertaining... like anime... lolz.... here goes....

A boy stood under a big tree in the middle of a field during a heavy thunderstorm. He was soaked to the bone. Lonely and confused, he wonders when the storm will let up. As he stared into the rain, he sees a shadow approaching him from the far end of the field. As the shadow closes in, the boy could see that it was a human figure, he began feel afraid. But when it reaches him, the boy could sense the calm and tranquility that seem to surround the unknown individual. Even as he stared at the emerging shape, he saw that it was a girl.

The girl, unprotected from the rain was beautiful with the softest grey eyes he has ever seen. She smiled at him and held out her hand. The boy hesitated and shook his head. The girl stood still for a moment before smiling gently at him and walked away.

She came again the next day, when the boy was sitting under the tree. She had the sunniest smile on her face. She stood in front of him, smiling and held out her hand again. Again, the boy hesitated and shook his head. He was afraid of what would happen if he took that small pale hand. As if sensing his fear, the girl looks into his eyes and whispered gently to him. It was only two words. And his mind was made up.

Trust me.

He reaches for her hand and took a step toward her. He looks up into the cloudless sky for a moment and closes his eyes. The boy was smiling. The girl looks at him silently as if questioning. He opens his eyes and looks at her saying, 'My emotions are expressed in this sky and this field. When I’m happy, its bright and sunny. When I’m sad, its grey and raining. When I’m angry, the earth quakes softly as if sensing my feelings. You made me see that I could stop the rain and bring out the sun. I’m forever grateful to you. Thank you.’

Having said that, he takes a step closer and leans in. He only pauses for the tiniest moment before kissing her softly and gently on the lips.

And they walked away hand in hand.

how? how? has a very anime feel to it right? i told him as much.... apparently, the story was modeled after his own emotions for this girl..... i was touched that raven himself could write something so sweet.... so i requested to have this posted here....

aiks!! i gotta go..... gotta get to work....

see ya babes!!!